What the fuck happened to me?

I pride myself on the ability to be knowledgeable... I fucked up... Okay, so long and short of it is, I got popped for DUI... 2nd... okay, Ignorance says it will be cool... but not really... reality states that I have 90 day incarceration... 45 in jail, 45 house arrest... I can't eat or sleep... I feel nausea all the time.
I blame my self.  (obviously)  My personal depression had me feeling that oddly invincible idea that I could hit the rest button any time... sadly Reset=oblivion... so I am not exactly ready to do that.  I am pretty sure that it has directly to do with my wife and children.  Personal extinction would be easy but for them.

At this moment, what terrifies me most is that my children will miss me.  (there is a trite part of thinking that my wife will leave me or cheat on me in my absence, but I am hoping that in a mature mind that comprehends what has occurred that she will stand by me, as our vows dictated.)

I always preach that you must face the consequences of your actions, and though I am terrified, I will not indulge in my fantasy of escape.  I must do what I must do.  I have tried to find solace in other accounts of incarceration, but sadly Oscar Wilde is the first to come to mind.  Perhaps this will not be such a dramatic end to myself as perhaps an awakening to something new about me.  I have often thrived to find new views and meanings into life, and maybe this will be one that I was afraid to try but in force will embrace.

There is a detrimental positivism about my way of thinking that tries to find a positive in every negative...  we shall see...

this is a distraction

How long do I let this go before writing in this again?  How long do I fucking forget about this?  And then I feel guilty about not writing here?  No, not really.  I feel like I should maintain this better, but I probably won't.

Okay, enough about that shit.  I have been suffering what I would call a lack of motivation.  Is it depression?  Who fucking knows.All I know is that I have been starting to revise and edit what will likely be the next book that I will unleash upon the world.  Perhaps this will explain why I'm writing here.  This is a distraction form a tedious task that I am not always happy when I doing.  First off, I have to remain sober, and that fucking sucks.  Secondly, I'm looking at the past of my work and seeing that after years of work, I am not making a fucking penny off of my work.  I mean, sure I sell books, but if I did the math I think I would find that I make about .0001 cent per hour of work per year of sales compared to work.

Sobriety and tea... really, if I could make a nice living just writing, I would be fine with the work part.  I mean, being creative and making the first draft is fun, and the best part.  After that, even if some of the book was work to write in the first place, I now have nearly another year's worth of revising and editing before the book is anywhere near ready to be printed.

Okay, distraction over for now...

Why must I keep reading that comic?

Okay, so there is a webcomic that I found, and I keep reading it.  First off, the art is not amazing in my opinion, but then any art that is consistent is amazing since I suck at that.  Second, the story is all sorts of romantic... not my flavor of much of anything unless it's fucked up.  But then, that might be it....
The story is about a young female human/dog hybrid.  She is at a new job and meets a guy and they date.
Okay, so are you wondering about the Hybrid part?  The story is that some science people made dog-people.  After a very brief term of racial issue, they become part of society.  I suppose what first interested me in this idea is that I was interested in the idea of social commentary about the new breed of humanoid trying to adjust to bigotry and such.  But none of that exists.  It is pretty straight forward getting on to the "getting it on."
On top of the fact that I was hoping for a much deeper story, I have to say that for a comic that is based off of the sex thing, the dog/people chicks are boring.  They don't have tits that are worth looking at, nor do they have six nipples.  So basically, the animal-person looks like an eight year old girl... um, not even sexually appealing.
So why do I keep going back?  Am I looking for something in this comic?  Nope... pretty sure I'm just fucking twisted and want to see how weird it will get...

The return of the prodigal...

Funny, but I spelled prodigal correctly the first time and then changed it because I was sure that I had it wrong... but I was correct.
But that is not my reason for posting.  It's been a few months since I have bothered to post.  It's been a bit of an up and down.  Mostly, I was drinking.  I would love to say that this drinking was something I was enjoying, but most of what I was drinking was shit and I was just doing it to keep from the sober life.  This was causing a lot of problems, as you well imagine.  So, as much as I wanted to get work done, I was just making a little bit here and there just to keep my presence known.
I have since been able to break the shakes and now am back to enjoying the drinking, not just the effect.  Slowly I am returning to my busy schedule and being productive.  But now I am hungry and want a sandwich... I'll keep this updated as things progress...

kids as friends...?

As I always brag, I do not really have friends.  To be honest, there are a few... perhaps four people in this world who I would say are true and tried friends.  Most of the other people who would call themselves my friend are acquaintances that I currently have.  Many of them will vanish from my life when I stop seeing them on a regular basis at work.  People come and go in life, and I'm good with this.  For this reason, I keep vigilant about who I let become close to me.  Rarely do I tell people aspects of my personal life that I keep closely guarded.
I refuse to get close enough to people that I feel comfortable in sharing.  I mean, this may seem like an odd thing to think about as most people who know me seem to feel that I am extremely open and share more about myself than most would dare to say.  Really, I am outspoken and I think there is a perverse thing in me that enjoys telling people things simply to shock them.  What I do not share is much deeper than the bull shit I post and say.
Recently I have become acquainted with some very young kids.  To be honest, they are adults, but only just as they are eighteen and nineteen.  So basically, they're kids.  One of these kids in particular has for some reason become rather interested in me.  I wouldn't say it is an attraction romantically, but rather an intense interest to make me one of her friends.  At first I took it as a joking idea, but she's become much more intent over the few months we've known each other.  To be honest, I find myself mildly enjoying the time we spend working together and the several times we have chatted outside of work.
Through her and I getting to better know each other, I have been wrangled into chatting and spending time with yet another kid.  And then another.  Now there is a trio of these girls who seem very interested in getting to be my friend.
But after all this time of removing myself from the world just enough to avoid these kinds of friendships, I suddenly find myself being circled by these young kids who would like nothing more to be my friend.  In my mind, I am flattered that these kids find me so interesting.  But the question remains: Could I really accept the idea of making any of these very young girls (literally half my age!) a friend like I would call one of the four who I now call Friend?

As an avid reader of EVIL!

So, I am a huge fan of Anton LaVey.  I should mention this for some reason that I may not really be aware of at this moment.   Regardless, I made the statement.  I'll say that I do not always concur with his philosophies, but I do regard his rather atheistic ideals to be solid.  I truly love the nine satanic statements, and believe that they hold truer that the ideals of the ten commandments of Moses.  Really, I would like to focus on the idea of smiting the cheek.
You know, at one point in time, the god of the old testament was pretty fucking mean!  I mean that he was the kind of god who just decided to fuck an entire nation because he felt that he was not being paid enough attention.  Whooosh!  Flood, and you are all fucking dead!  And this is only one example.  Then there is the salt of Lot's wife and that bull shit that still today is used to perpetuate hate to others from a theology that preaches love... and so on...
Yup, I rather prefer the pretty simple and forward ideals of Anton LaVey when he just simply states, in a nut shell, if it is good for you then it is good for you.  Though I am a vehemist (is this a new word... could I start a religion from this idea?) in the fact that I believe that if one intentionally does wrong to you that you should do harm to them in such a capacity to prevent them from harming you ever again.  Now, I am not implying such means as murder or such, even though I feel strongly that there are many a person who has done such wrongs that they should be executed as that would be the only logical prevention from doing harm to others again.  (because seriously, if someone is fucked up to rape and murder innocent people, what reform do we really hope will happen by a lifetime of incarceration?)
I guess, what I'm saying is that there are people who are learning to become leaches on society and future douche-bags... teach them now that they will suffer for their asinine behavior...
but seriously, I may be pissed off and kinda drunk... so... I'll just have another shot for now!

Three months of not good...

So it is that time of the year when I pretty much lose my wife to the tax season.  Three months is a long time to go without a little you know what... not looking forward to it.

I'll try to keep busy, but what it really comes down to is trying not to drink myself into oblivion over the next months while I wait.  Lets be honest, if I can't fuck, then I want to be drunk.  (I would love to have both, but sobriety is okay when your inside)  Oh well.  Just need to keep busy...

first post of the new year!

Yup!  here it is!  The very first blog post here for 2013!!!  This is IT!  Number one for the year... yup...