sick

So sick... of shit... Really. I'm sick of worrying about the loss of electricity in my home...  So I have lost electricity in this house twice in the past year, and all I think of is how many times I spent winters without heat... frozen clothes without a coat... I want to be better than my parents ... but I have clearly failed if I can't keep the electricity on...but have I failed?  
Wounded by words of ones I love... reminding me of why I refrain from making friends...
people you hold dear can hurt you intensely...

on the precipice of failure, it kills to rent asunder as such...

Things you can see...

So, it has been a while since I even thought to look at this blog.  It is still here.  huh... I guess I expected that.  I can also see that when I am not posting, no one reads.  Huh, no surprise there as well.  So here is a quick post for you to read something.  As well, if you follow my works at all, I have a new children's book out and you can check it out here! 

That being said, I am off (once again I will write this) to get some work done.

New looks change nothing

I've been at this crossroads of depression and forced motivation.  I really want to just get up, gorge on food, and then just sleep away the day.  Better yet, I could just read until I sleep and then wake to do the same in a cycle day after day.  Or I could just camp on the small couch that hurts my body to try to conform to it's shape as I try to veg out on it.  Really, all of these ideas are great.  To be honest, I would love to just lay in the hall and sleep so long as I could just not be bothered by anyone.

But the reasoning part of my mind knows that this is letting depression win and I would be not further to getting out of this hole I'm have found myself.  Of course, then as I work, I can't stop the thoughts of how nothing right now seems to be getting me out of that hole.  Then I start to wonder why I don't just give and and lay down.  Reason keeps me trying.  But reason begins to doubt the validity of trying.

So, when will one or the other become the voice of reason I decide to listen to?

And here we all are...

I have spent an enormous amount of time wasting my life sitting in this solitary chair doing little more but wonder what else I can look up here online.  I'm sure it is no surprise to know that I spend a fair amount of my time on Facebook.  Some of it is for the promoting of my shit, but mostly I just follow posts and look up articles that others post.

Occasionally I will get to wondering about someone on there that I have not actually seen in years and for the most part I had just dismissed them from my life as a person related to a time that has passed.  I think that is the beauty of the Facebook... You move on from one job to the next and eventually you barely recall the names, much-less faces of those you one worked with years ago in those jobs you had when you were just trying to get by.  Or maybe they were someone you would chat with in a class, though you never met outside of the occasional random coincidental meeting.  Either way, these are the people you easily dismissed from memory as you make new ones worth recalling from time to time.  These people find you on facebook, and now you have a connection again with them that seems to last.

Though it is simply a fine, thread like connection compared to your current, stronger connections, you now have a small window into the life of a person you would never have ever remembered for the remaining years of your life only a decade ago.  It's like the ghosts of your past have a way to reach you, and though most of the time the most interaction we may have with one another is a click on a "like" button on a picture or status update, it is still a tangible connection even if so slight.

But it really is just a glimpse.  These people get married and have children, and if you happen to miss the post about these items, you miss out.  You eventually notice they have children in their profile pictures.  Then you see that there may be a new person in the pics, but did they post that they went through a divorce?  And then one day they just aren't posting anymore.  Do you notice?  What happened to them?  They could have died in a car accident or suicide, but if you missed the post about it, you don't know.

And then, these ghosts of your past fade away.  Finally, after such an extended time of unnatural connection, you can finally be free of these people.  You may at some occasion wonder what happened to them if you meander through your "friends" list and see that their account is no longer active, or you may just click on the link if you have not seen their posts in a while only to find that their timeline had been abandoned some time ago.  But don't worry... there will always be more ghosts of your past that will keep on posting pics of their life that you could likely not care about.

Locked in

I'm going crazy locked in this apartment.  You really have no idea how nice it is to get out once in a while just to go for coffee, of a candy bar or just to go for a little walk until you can't.  It has been about a month since I've been stuck inside of my apartment, and already it's driving me mad.

Still, this is far better than the alternative, I'm sure.

I'm bored a lot.  I'm not a person who plays video games much.  I enjoy movies and TV to a point, but get bored quickly.  I have work to do with comics and writing, not to mention cleaning and other shit like that, but I get bored after so long.  There is little break from it.  I can read, of course, but there is this sinking depression from not having a job and an anxiety about everything going on that makes me just wish to sleep through the day.  So, I find that I am limiting the reading time because it lapses into nap time.

So, for a few minutes, here I write a blog to alleviate a few minutes of boredom...  and now I'm bored with this...