I pride myself on the ability to be knowledgeable... I fucked up... Okay, so long and short of it is, I got popped for DUI... 2nd... okay, Ignorance says it will be cool... but not really... reality states that I have 90 day incarceration... 45 in jail, 45 house arrest... I can't eat or sleep... I feel nausea all the time.
I blame my self. (obviously) My personal depression had me feeling that oddly invincible idea that I could hit the rest button any time... sadly Reset=oblivion... so I am not exactly ready to do that. I am pretty sure that it has directly to do with my wife and children. Personal extinction would be easy but for them.
At this moment, what terrifies me most is that my children will miss me. (there is a trite part of thinking that my wife will leave me or cheat on me in my absence, but I am hoping that in a mature mind that comprehends what has occurred that she will stand by me, as our vows dictated.)
I always preach that you must face the consequences of your actions, and though I am terrified, I will not indulge in my fantasy of escape. I must do what I must do. I have tried to find solace in other accounts of incarceration, but sadly Oscar Wilde is the first to come to mind. Perhaps this will not be such a dramatic end to myself as perhaps an awakening to something new about me. I have often thrived to find new views and meanings into life, and maybe this will be one that I was afraid to try but in force will embrace.
There is a detrimental positivism about my way of thinking that tries to find a positive in every negative... we shall see...
