My sleep schedule seems to have been set that i can no longer sleep past 6 AM. Okay, I can deal with this. I think I constantly look tired. Eh, again, I can deal with this. Unfortunately I seem to be unable to stay away past 10 PM. That kinda sucks on the nights before a day off.
Okay, so I'm tired. No big deal.
I also stopped drinking coffee... why the fuck have I done that? oh, that's right... I seem to have an elevated blood pressure issue. Need to get some more exercise. Really, I just need to get my bike ready for the weather and go for a ride now and again. I keep saying I'll do this, but then I don't find time. Then it rains and I say when it's not raining I'll do it. Then I just sit here and work on other shit or look up porn and forget about it. If nothing else, I can procrastinate.
End result, I'm hoping in the shower after I finish this to get washed up. Then, get some dishes done and eat something. I have to run to the grocery store. Then, at some point today, I need to record a cooking show. Yup... perhaps in between that and all the cleaning I always wish I could get done during the day, I'll get my bike out and do that shit. Who knows.
I need to shower and eat, though... grumbly tummy tells me so...
Friday, May 11, 2012
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
What do you want from me, blood?
Starting again with the thought of trying to buy a house. Well, it seems our credit has improved enough that we may be able to get the financial shit we need to start looking for a house. Then, we have to actually find a house to call home. I just hope it works this time.
And in other news... so, looking forward to doing this chef demo in a couple of weeks. I ordered some books to sell. It should be fun. I'm just hoping to make them chuckle.
So I've been thinking about ideas for my cooking show. Last night I looked up how to make fresh cheese curds so that I can make Poutine. I suppose in a pinch I could just strain out cottage cheese, but eh... we'll see.
Okay, I really just want a nap now...
And in other news... so, looking forward to doing this chef demo in a couple of weeks. I ordered some books to sell. It should be fun. I'm just hoping to make them chuckle.
So I've been thinking about ideas for my cooking show. Last night I looked up how to make fresh cheese curds so that I can make Poutine. I suppose in a pinch I could just strain out cottage cheese, but eh... we'll see.
Okay, I really just want a nap now...
Friday, April 13, 2012
the grinding that refused to stop.
So... I have to be at work in about six or so hours and I can not sleep. This is common to me when I don't drink. The problem I have learned over the years that you exercise parts of your body and they become proficient in their intended activity. Cyclists ride and work on their legs to ride faster. Writers think.
Have you ever had to "brainstorm" in some class just to see what you could come up with? I remember fellow students who were asked to brainstorm for ten minutes and it was an exercise in agony. After ten minutes, they would have two or three ideas. I would have about a dozen, mostly unintelligible as I was trying to get my pen to work as fast as my brain, accompanied with sub-ideas for each to take the original thought in a variety of directions.
It still works today. I never stop coming up with things to write about. Not all of it is worth my time to try to sit down and make something of it, but I jot down notes all the time just in case I want to remember the idea later.
unfortunately, when I'm trying to sleep, this process of idealizing every little thought continues. I try to shut it down, but end up sinking deeper into my mind and to a place that is dark and dismal. I begin to analyze things I wish to forget. I fabricate scenarios, living out painful memories and ideas. I fictionalize why people have hurt me with what i have to go on. I find my heart loathing and grinding with pain and hatred. Depression bleeds from my mind, and I find myself again in that place where I need to stop the brain from thinking.
There is a little dive bar just down the street. The bartender there looks like he belongs there. I walk in, surrounded by people I would never fathom having conversations with as they are people who can easily entertain themselves with jocular competitions and mindless television. I step up to the bar and wait my turn to be noticed. I hold up three fingers and ask for three shots of whiskey. The bartender repeats this back and I nod; though he no longer seems surprised. He sets 3 small shot glasses before me and pours 3 shots to the rim. I take one by one allowing no more that two seconds between each as he takes my cash to make change. He returns, the whiskey is gone, and I take my change. I leave a tip on the bar and I'm out the door.
I always return home and then wait for the subtle but gentle caresses of whiskey to slow down that darkened voice of my mind. And now, I will again lay my head to my pillow and listen to the music of my choosing for the night and pray my mind will shut the fuck up so I can sleep...
Have you ever had to "brainstorm" in some class just to see what you could come up with? I remember fellow students who were asked to brainstorm for ten minutes and it was an exercise in agony. After ten minutes, they would have two or three ideas. I would have about a dozen, mostly unintelligible as I was trying to get my pen to work as fast as my brain, accompanied with sub-ideas for each to take the original thought in a variety of directions.
It still works today. I never stop coming up with things to write about. Not all of it is worth my time to try to sit down and make something of it, but I jot down notes all the time just in case I want to remember the idea later.
unfortunately, when I'm trying to sleep, this process of idealizing every little thought continues. I try to shut it down, but end up sinking deeper into my mind and to a place that is dark and dismal. I begin to analyze things I wish to forget. I fabricate scenarios, living out painful memories and ideas. I fictionalize why people have hurt me with what i have to go on. I find my heart loathing and grinding with pain and hatred. Depression bleeds from my mind, and I find myself again in that place where I need to stop the brain from thinking.
There is a little dive bar just down the street. The bartender there looks like he belongs there. I walk in, surrounded by people I would never fathom having conversations with as they are people who can easily entertain themselves with jocular competitions and mindless television. I step up to the bar and wait my turn to be noticed. I hold up three fingers and ask for three shots of whiskey. The bartender repeats this back and I nod; though he no longer seems surprised. He sets 3 small shot glasses before me and pours 3 shots to the rim. I take one by one allowing no more that two seconds between each as he takes my cash to make change. He returns, the whiskey is gone, and I take my change. I leave a tip on the bar and I'm out the door.
I always return home and then wait for the subtle but gentle caresses of whiskey to slow down that darkened voice of my mind. And now, I will again lay my head to my pillow and listen to the music of my choosing for the night and pray my mind will shut the fuck up so I can sleep...
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
The watering can of life and death
The other day, as I was in a dreary state, I went to piss. From the darkening world outside of my window as evening was settling in, I saw flashing lights of emergency vehicles reflect off the blinds that prevent the outside world from watching me piss. I peaked through the blinds and could just make out a collection of emergency vehicles not half a block away. There was a fire truck with a bucket and boom that was raised into the tree that had only in the past month begun to grow it's spring foliage. There were spotlights shining into the tree and that seemed to be the focus of whatever was going on.
My first amused thought was that a cat had been stuck in the tree.
What actually happened was that a woman had decided it was time to throw in the the towel and so she climbed nearly thirty or forty feet into the tree, tied a rope around a sturdy limb, tied the other end around her neck, and she dropped the few feet before it all went taught. The story is that she told her husband she was going out for a quick walk and never came back. The husband then went to look for her, sat on the bench under the tree and looked up.
On a completely unrelated note, I finally got my seeds for my exotic plants and planted them over the weekend.
My first amused thought was that a cat had been stuck in the tree.
What actually happened was that a woman had decided it was time to throw in the the towel and so she climbed nearly thirty or forty feet into the tree, tied a rope around a sturdy limb, tied the other end around her neck, and she dropped the few feet before it all went taught. The story is that she told her husband she was going out for a quick walk and never came back. The husband then went to look for her, sat on the bench under the tree and looked up.
On a completely unrelated note, I finally got my seeds for my exotic plants and planted them over the weekend.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Now would be the time...
Busy fucking month... ironically, there has only been one show, and not much else to keep me occupied but my own work... but fuck has that been keeping me busy.
As well as work, my wife and I needed to buy a new (ish) car. It's been one hell of a search and it's finally over. This was especially a pain in my ass since I am not much of a car person, so I had no foundation on what I wanted to look for as others would start with an idea of getting a car they like. For me, if I was to get a car I simply was interested in, it would have been an electric car. But that is a bit out of our budget.
So I started with looking up what kind of pre-owned vehicles were worth buying. Unfortunately, if the car is worth buying, the value is much higher. Now I was looking at a car that was a bit out of our intended price range. The search continued from lot to lot until we came to the last place I bought a pre-owned car about a decade ago. As we looked through the many cars on the lot, we came upon a few that I actually had an interest in looking at, though the price was way over what we wished to spend. But, I have to say the my curiosity got the best of me and soon we were test driving a hybrid Toyota Prius.
We were originally looking at Toyota cars because of the reliability and such. As for the hybrid, well, it was a nice idea... but... Before I knew it, I had fallen in like with the car. My wife drove it and loved it. Seeing as it was to be her next car, not mine, I asked her what she thought. So with a heavy concern in my heart, I agreed to see what we could do to make payments for our new car. The first offer was instantly a "no way!" The second offer was really pushing it, and I said so. This time, they said they wouldn't be able to get another answer until the following bank day (Monday). They let us take the car home and said we could finalize everything on Monday.
Unfortunately, with the schedules my wife and I have, she would go in first thing in the AM, and I would finish signing later in the afternoon. When I went in, I signed papers agreeing to loan terms that were only just barely under what had been discussed.
Here I now sit, feeling the dread and fear of having yet another car loan. I haven't had a car payment since the last one that got repossessed about 2 years ago. I was okay with this. Now, with the memories of the stress trying to pay off my last car wrought on my soul, I have entered into another soul crushing agreement.
If you happen to be a fan on my work and have been contemplating buying some of my work to support me, now would be a grand time to do so... just saying.
As well as work, my wife and I needed to buy a new (ish) car. It's been one hell of a search and it's finally over. This was especially a pain in my ass since I am not much of a car person, so I had no foundation on what I wanted to look for as others would start with an idea of getting a car they like. For me, if I was to get a car I simply was interested in, it would have been an electric car. But that is a bit out of our budget.
So I started with looking up what kind of pre-owned vehicles were worth buying. Unfortunately, if the car is worth buying, the value is much higher. Now I was looking at a car that was a bit out of our intended price range. The search continued from lot to lot until we came to the last place I bought a pre-owned car about a decade ago. As we looked through the many cars on the lot, we came upon a few that I actually had an interest in looking at, though the price was way over what we wished to spend. But, I have to say the my curiosity got the best of me and soon we were test driving a hybrid Toyota Prius.
We were originally looking at Toyota cars because of the reliability and such. As for the hybrid, well, it was a nice idea... but... Before I knew it, I had fallen in like with the car. My wife drove it and loved it. Seeing as it was to be her next car, not mine, I asked her what she thought. So with a heavy concern in my heart, I agreed to see what we could do to make payments for our new car. The first offer was instantly a "no way!" The second offer was really pushing it, and I said so. This time, they said they wouldn't be able to get another answer until the following bank day (Monday). They let us take the car home and said we could finalize everything on Monday.
Unfortunately, with the schedules my wife and I have, she would go in first thing in the AM, and I would finish signing later in the afternoon. When I went in, I signed papers agreeing to loan terms that were only just barely under what had been discussed.
Here I now sit, feeling the dread and fear of having yet another car loan. I haven't had a car payment since the last one that got repossessed about 2 years ago. I was okay with this. Now, with the memories of the stress trying to pay off my last car wrought on my soul, I have entered into another soul crushing agreement.
If you happen to be a fan on my work and have been contemplating buying some of my work to support me, now would be a grand time to do so... just saying.
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