miles in the days...

Twice this week I went to my mother's to "help" with fixing up her property that she had let go into quite a bit of ruin.  At once point, there had been a pool.  Now, there is a swamp with the remains of the pool's walls caving in.  There was an old hot tub that has been rotting for years.  The whole wooden fence is about to fall over and can be smashed if my son kicks it.  The pond that was behind the pool area is now so overgrown that you wouldn't imagine a pond is there but for the small patch of algae fill puddle visible.  The entire pool area has been used for years as a place to let the dogs do their business, so the whole area smells like shit.

So, this describes the focus of work in the two days that I was there.  Firstly, she bought a new hot tub to replace the one she had.  The first thing she wanted to do was to "help her" move the old one out so the new one could be placed there.  I took a crowbar and ripped off the rotting wooden casing and had it down to just the shell.  I took the shell, and since there was no one there to help me at the time, tipped it on it's side and slid it 15 feet from where it was to where it now rests leaning against the side of the house.  It's out of the way, but let me just fucking say that that shit was fucking heavy!

I  set fire to small pieces of the wooden pieces in a pottered thing so as to dispose of that.  I think I drank about 8 beers through this process but was working to hard and it was too hot for the alcohol to take effect and I remained sober... oh well.

Her next task was to have me "help her" move the vinyl fencing she bought years ago to replace the decaying fence she has.  I pretty much moved it on my own with a little bit of help from my wife with the posts.  In all, my mother just played with the kids and drank.

Today she was only a slight bit more help.  I did the heavy stuff and she pressure washed where the new hot tub is going.  On the upside, I was paid.  Now, I'm fucking tired and just don't feel like doing a damn thing but have a drink and watch a movie...  of course I have to make dinner first and wash the dishes and water the plants and plant the bamboo and... oh, fuck!

Special Daze

I'm working on this groove of time scheduling... and it's a pain in the ass!  I have six minutes before I need to be in the shower.  The next few days I work, off, work, off and so on.  Hopefully, not only will it give me plenty of time to drink, but I'll get some work done here at the computer.

The thing is, I find the nice weather an enticing time to get shit done that i like to do.  The gardening thing is coming along nicely as I have built a fairly large collection of potted plants for the porch.  Hopefully there may be a house in our near future to move to so that we can set up some permanent gardens.  While we wait, I find myself interested in helping my mother get her shit together at her house.  She's let that gardening of hers go insanely wild.

(No, I still hate her and such, but it's not about that.  It's about having a project.  I enjoy it.)

We planted some stuff in a garden at her house so the kids can look forward to that every time we go out.  Not  saying we'll go out any more frequently... well, we probably will...

Okay, time's up.  Need to shower and get ready for my later shift today.

This is another piece of shit...

My sleep schedule seems to have been set that i can no longer sleep past 6 AM.  Okay, I can deal with this.  I think I constantly look tired.  Eh, again, I can deal with this.  Unfortunately I seem to be unable to stay away past 10 PM.  That kinda sucks on the nights before a day off.

Okay, so I'm tired.  No big deal.

I also stopped drinking coffee... why the fuck have I done that?  oh, that's right... I seem to have an elevated blood pressure issue.  Need to get some more exercise.  Really, I just need to get my bike ready for the weather and go for a ride now and again.  I keep saying I'll do this, but then I don't find time.  Then it rains and I say when it's not raining I'll do it.  Then I just sit here and work on other shit or look up porn and forget about it.  If nothing else, I can procrastinate.

End result, I'm hoping in the shower after I finish this to get washed up.  Then, get some dishes done and eat something.  I have to run to the grocery store.  Then, at some point today, I need to record a cooking show.  Yup... perhaps in between that and all the cleaning I always wish I could get done during the day, I'll get my bike out and do that shit.  Who knows.

I need to shower and eat, though... grumbly tummy tells me so...

What do you want from me, blood?

Starting again with the thought of trying to buy a house.  Well, it seems our credit has improved enough that we may be able to get the financial shit we need to start looking for a house.  Then, we have to actually find a house to call home.  I just hope it works this time.

And in other news... so, looking forward to doing this chef demo in a couple of weeks.  I ordered some books to sell.  It should be fun.  I'm just hoping to make them chuckle.

So I've been thinking about ideas for my cooking show.  Last night I looked up how to make fresh cheese curds so that I can make Poutine.  I suppose in a pinch I could just strain out cottage cheese, but eh... we'll see.

Okay, I really just want a nap now...

the grinding that refused to stop.

So... I have to be at work in about six or so hours and I can not sleep.  This is common to me when I don't drink.  The problem I have learned over the years that you exercise parts of your body and they become proficient in their intended activity.  Cyclists ride and work on their legs to ride faster.  Writers think.

Have you ever had to "brainstorm" in some class just to see what you could come up with?  I remember fellow students who were asked to brainstorm for ten minutes and it was an exercise in agony.  After ten minutes, they would have two or three ideas.  I would have about a dozen, mostly unintelligible as I was trying to get my pen to work as fast as my brain, accompanied with sub-ideas for each to take the original thought in a variety of directions.

It still works today.  I never stop coming up with things to write about.  Not all of it is worth my time to try to sit down and make something of it, but I jot down notes all the time just in case I want to remember the idea later.

unfortunately, when I'm trying to sleep, this process of idealizing every little thought continues.  I try to shut it down, but end up sinking deeper into my mind and to a place that is dark and dismal.  I begin to analyze things I wish to forget.  I fabricate scenarios, living out painful memories and ideas.  I fictionalize why people have hurt me with what i have to go on.  I find my heart loathing and grinding with pain and hatred.  Depression bleeds from my mind, and I find myself again in that place where I need to stop the brain from thinking.

There is a little dive bar just down the street.  The bartender there looks like he belongs there.  I walk in,  surrounded by people I would never fathom having conversations with as they are people who can easily entertain themselves with jocular competitions and mindless television.  I step up to the bar and wait my turn to be noticed.  I hold up three fingers and ask for three shots of whiskey.  The bartender repeats this back and I nod; though he no longer seems surprised.  He sets 3 small shot glasses before me and pours 3 shots to the rim.  I take one by one allowing no more that two seconds between each as he takes my cash to make change.  He returns, the whiskey is gone, and I take my change.  I leave a tip on the bar and I'm out the door.

I always return home and then wait for the subtle but gentle caresses of whiskey to slow down that darkened voice of my mind.  And now, I will again lay my head to my pillow and listen to the music of my choosing for the night and pray my mind will shut the fuck up so I can sleep...