Marshmallows...

At what point in my life can I just outwardly be a dirty old man and it becomes okay because I've become too old to be offensive?  I wonder about this perhaps more often that I should, but it's just something I think about a lot.

You know what else I think about?  Why do I get yelled at for noticing my wife's erect nipples when it's cold out, but if I notice another woman's, it's okay.  I mean, I don't announce these things in public when I see them.  But if I point out to my wife that she "must be cold" I get this attitude like I'm trying to solicit sex in the most vulgar and inopportune moment.

Of course, let's be honest, I do try to get sex in the most inopportune moments.  It's like Jay when he is ready to drop his pants because the chick said she would have sex with him if they were about to die... what guy wouldn't take advantage of the situation... I think I've strayed somewhere... oh well.

Of course, now it's getting warm and I have to look forward to light shirts, sudden cloudbursts and retail AC.

small consesions

Ever have one of those nights where you just start thinking about all the porn you've ever seen and wonder how much more you will miss before you're dead.  I try to get in as much as possible.  And the best part about the internet these days is I pay absolutely nothing for all the porn I watch, and I never watch the same thing twice.  But I start to wonder as I look at all the ads that pay for the free stuff what I will miss because I don't pay for my porn.

I mean, the stuff I watch is free because it's the videos that advertise for the newest stuff on the sites of the production companies out there.  Most of the videos are full scenes, but they were filmed at least 5 years ago.  And while you're watching it, there is always the banner or pre-vid ad that shows you the latest and hottest shit they have that you do have to pay for.

I suppose it's like hand me down clothes.  It still fits, looks nice, and is still in good condition, but it might not be what's exactly in style this year.  But then again, I never cared much for style after a certain age and just wear what I like.  I mean, honestly, most of my clothes I buy at goodwill.  So I guess with that in mind, I have no problem not buying my porn, as it's the goodwill of porn and it still gets me off in the end.

Frying Brains...

I am a huge fan of zombie movies.  Sometimes I like to just get a whole bunch of the original "living dead" movies and just veg out with beer and snacks and watch the zombies take over.  In fact, there was a point I was watching every one I could get my hands on, and my ex-wife forbade me to get any more movies with the word "dead" in the title.  Now, I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure it was after we watched "dead alive."

Of course, there's nothing better than watching a zombie movie with hot naked women zombies.  Unfortunately, quality T&A zombie movies are hard to come by, but I will say that the original "return of the... 3" was the first and still my favorite.  Not only because she's hot and gets naked, but because she inflicts pain on herself to keep the hunger away... and I love watching people in pain... (sadist, you know)

As I think back to these movies, I wonder how many other people have had sex watching a zombie flick... and found it hard not to be more interested in the movie than the sex?

It's important to remember... um?

Children and raccoons are very similar creatures.  When I was young, my mother in her desire to own all kinds of creatures, wished to have a raccoon.  So she bought a raccoon.  It's name was Clementine.  It was young when we first got it and was still drinking from a bottle.  It soon got older and was into everything.  Just like my kids.  Those little raccoons have the most agile and nimble fingers and get into everything.

I suppose after three children and one raccoon, I have decided to never take care of another animal with opposable thumbs again!

I like things that make me happy...

One day, I was leaving the bar I was working at when I was in the lobby, and this man passed by me with a group of people around him, and I about shit.  I had to make sure, but I had just been passed by my childhood idol!  That's right: Ron Jeremy was having a late dinner at the bar I worked at!

I was so excited I was bouncing up and down.  I ran down the street to my apartment and grabbed a case to a video I had featuring 4 hours of Ron Jeremy.  He signed it for me, and asked how I had first heard of him.  I explained that I had been a fan since I was about 9 years old.

The very first porno I ever watched at a very young age had Ron Jeremy.  I saw that man having sex with two hot women, and all I thought was that I was definitely going to have sex in my life.  It was bliss to realize, and I loved watching people have sex.  I was hooked on porn ever since.

So, I still have the video box, and I will keep it forever.  I mean, I've collected a lot of autographs over the years, but that's my pride and joy!

Udderly fascinating idea...

So, I just realized that i was a clock that is actually a giant boob.  The hands wound be on the nipple and circle around the boob.  Then, you could take it to work, stay later than you need to and when some asks what you're doing, just tell them you're milking the clock!

And that was what I thought about as I had my breakfast today.  yup.

...always been a fan of visual stimulation...

So for over a year now, I bounced ideas around in my mind and on paper about doing a new project that i think would be fun and interesting.  I've got quite a few things that I've got rolling out that I find fun and interesting, like my Porno Stories (XXX) and this blog, along with Weekly Editorials and Recipes.  It seems that with all these trite things I post online, I have a small but steady following.  And if you are one of those people who follow me, I say thanks!  I hope I'm entertaining.

But even still, there is something I'm really interested in starting, but for one excuse or another I've put off actually doing.  No longer!  I've decided that I will do it!  And what is it that I speak of?  Well, I'll keep the details to myself right now, but by the end of April I will be launching a web comic, written and illustrated by myself.  That's all I'll say for now, but I'll post more as it becomes a reality!

For now, I'm off to clean house... and then I'm a soldier... and then probably drunk...

Bright lights in the mind

There was this guy I knew who was a douche-bag.  But he was sort of a fixture among the people from the club I used to frequent since he was a bouncer there.  His actual name I have forgotten, but he used to often refer to himself as "Built like a brick shit-house."  I have no idea if this was supposed to make him seem cool to other people, but the phrase used to make me want to laugh.  Especially since he would say it all the time.  "Built like a brick shit-house."

First, define "shit-house."  Did he mean a latrine?  Often I would hear him utter this phrase and think, "Do you really mean latrine or outhouse?"  I would envision a brick outhouse, and I would wonder what the door would be made from.

Second, why would you refer your physical attributes to a place where people defecate?  For that fact, aside from the "i feel like shit," or, "I look like shit," who used any term about shit to describe themselves.  Especially if you are trying to sound impressive.

I often would think how funny it would be to change it up and see if he would notice if I said, "Yup, you're built like a shit brick-house."  And then I would look at this guy, who was wide shouldered, but had a guy to match whatever muscle mass he had, and I wondered if this line ever helped him get laid.  I mean, he was not a pretty guy, and he was kinda big.  And he wasn't big like all muscle big, so I had to wonder of this line ever worked for him.

But in the end, I have to admit that his stupid little epitaph he gave himself seemed to make some sort of sense in my mind.  He wasn't a brick house, that was for sure, but the addition of shit in the description seemed to even out his bogus brag.

Just observing...

I love when it gets warm and the skirts get shorter and the tops get lower.  Really, I love looking at women and when it gets warmer there is more to look at and less to imagine.  I mean, I still have no problem checking women out in the colder seasons as I am very fond of tits in sweaters.  And there are always the poking nipple factor when it comes to the cold.

To be fair, I don't just gawk.  Okay, maybe a little... but I notice other crazy shit too.

There was a guy heading into the automotive parts store dressed in a camo jacket, pants and boots.  The best part was that his wallet was in his hand and it was also camo.  I had to laugh.  The next guy had over-alls on... and I'm sorry, but if you're not on a tractor and have mud stains all over, grown people should not wear over-alls.  It's cute on children when they are small, but after a certain age, it just looks ridiculous.  (Especially if they are sparkling clean!)  And no one who wears these things in public are images of beauty... usually huge gut, mussed hair and look generally... well, you get the idea.

Okay, I'm gonna think about chicks in knee high boots and short jean skirts... because there are few things in the world sexier in public!