Never in my life have I been more frightened as I am at this moment.
I am so in love with a woman who is poised to leave me because I fucked up.
So long ago, I wished nothing more than to remove this woman from my life, and perhaps this is because I understood what I did not comprehend at the time. I understood that this woman was as a virus to my heart, and she has enveloped my very soul with her essence. I now can not imagine existing without her...
But I have destroyed so much in my own self centered anger. As a young man who is confused and uncertain of the future, I lashed out to the closest victim I could find. I reasoned that I was righteous in actions due to an unclear mind.
I have failed at school, teenage life, and further into my adulthood. I surround myself with thoughts that I may someday "Become someone," but in the end I find myself blissfully happy at a couple of book sales a week. I and my family live off of a pipe dream and foodstamps... I have failed...
I have spent decades looking for where I belong. I have tried Christ, goths, raves, and intellectuals... and find nothing of solace from any of these people. Instead, I find solace in the bottle that helps me feel human again. But what is humanity but vulnerability.
I am so tired, and yet I can't bring my mind (or soul, perhaps) to rest.
Here's my favorite part of this song... it starts at 3:41... so poignant...
And then there's those words... "peace... hope... love... Jesus Christ..."
Can we not find a solution that doesn't involve a tall tale legend from days gone past...?
Okay, well, I need some sleep before I sleep here and ... sorry drifted off there,,, good night sweetness!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
about yesterday...
My wife and I went out just to get away from the kids for an evening. For her, it's about the bull shit holiday, and for me it's about making her happy. I could give a shit about the commercial holiday.
We went to a diner to start. I had a Reuben, my favorite sandwich. For some reason, it seems to me the best Reuben can be found a little diners. My wife decided that in standing with the holiday, she had to order the steak and lobster tail. I would never order a steak at a diner. We skipped desert.
She didn't want to go home just yet. So she asked if I wanted to walk around a walmart for a while or we could go to a bar. I said I would go to a bar. She sighed and commented that she wanted to just have me to herself and every time we go to any of the bars in the area I run into people who know me. Fortunately there's a little bar kinda out of the small town that I can go in anonymity, so I drove there.
She ordered a lager, I had a pale ale from bottle since they didn't have much that was of interest on tap. She spent half the time talking about other people's taxes, and I didn't listen. I know nothing about the whole tax thing and could care less. I spoke of my writing and cooking show, and I think she could have cared less. After I ordered the second beer, she quickly finished her beer and seemed ready to just go. I finished mine quicker that I would have liked since I really enjoy the taste of that particular beer, but it wasn't about what I liked. She paid the tab while I used the restroom and we left.
I asked what she wanted to do and she shrugged. We went home and found that the kids were still awake. We tucked them in, told them to sleep, and retired to the living room. We, or maybe just I, decided to watch a movie. I had tried to watch "Kick Ass" at one point, but was too tired to finish it, so I suggested that. She said that seemed fine as she plugged in her lap top. I figured that she would open it as the movie started and just play her online games. Instead, I think she actually just wanted the whole movie with me. Though, as soon as the movie ended, she opened the lap top.
I did my little look at my computer to see what was going on in the world of facebook and shit, and said it was time for bed for me. She kind of acknowledged me, said she would be right up, and continued harvesting virtual shit or something on her lap top.
I went up to my room, turned on Franz Schubert and undressed for bed. I closed my eyes and listened to the music as I drifted off to sleep. Almost an hour later, it was towards the end of the collection of Schubert I had on my computer upstairs and I found I was still alone in the bed. I sighed and rolled over. I listed to the softly playing music, unable to close my eyes again. Some time later, I heard my wife moving down stairs and soon she came to bed. I heard her place her glasses down on the little shelf/table thing by the bed, and she climbed into bed.
Soon after, I drifted off to sleep again.
I awoke this morning with that "I feel uncomfortable in my skin" feeling and decided to give up on the sleep. I came down and sat at the computer. And now, after checking the facebook thing and all my other stats that I obsess over, I'm writing this without really having a reason to.
Tomorrow is her birthday and I have nothing yet to give her. I wish I could be sleeping now, but that's just not possible. So I'll turn my attention to getting some work done here on the computer and be ready for a nap just in time for everyone to wake and want breakfast. In other words, this is going to be just like any other day for me...
We went to a diner to start. I had a Reuben, my favorite sandwich. For some reason, it seems to me the best Reuben can be found a little diners. My wife decided that in standing with the holiday, she had to order the steak and lobster tail. I would never order a steak at a diner. We skipped desert.
She didn't want to go home just yet. So she asked if I wanted to walk around a walmart for a while or we could go to a bar. I said I would go to a bar. She sighed and commented that she wanted to just have me to herself and every time we go to any of the bars in the area I run into people who know me. Fortunately there's a little bar kinda out of the small town that I can go in anonymity, so I drove there.
She ordered a lager, I had a pale ale from bottle since they didn't have much that was of interest on tap. She spent half the time talking about other people's taxes, and I didn't listen. I know nothing about the whole tax thing and could care less. I spoke of my writing and cooking show, and I think she could have cared less. After I ordered the second beer, she quickly finished her beer and seemed ready to just go. I finished mine quicker that I would have liked since I really enjoy the taste of that particular beer, but it wasn't about what I liked. She paid the tab while I used the restroom and we left.
I asked what she wanted to do and she shrugged. We went home and found that the kids were still awake. We tucked them in, told them to sleep, and retired to the living room. We, or maybe just I, decided to watch a movie. I had tried to watch "Kick Ass" at one point, but was too tired to finish it, so I suggested that. She said that seemed fine as she plugged in her lap top. I figured that she would open it as the movie started and just play her online games. Instead, I think she actually just wanted the whole movie with me. Though, as soon as the movie ended, she opened the lap top.
I did my little look at my computer to see what was going on in the world of facebook and shit, and said it was time for bed for me. She kind of acknowledged me, said she would be right up, and continued harvesting virtual shit or something on her lap top.
I went up to my room, turned on Franz Schubert and undressed for bed. I closed my eyes and listened to the music as I drifted off to sleep. Almost an hour later, it was towards the end of the collection of Schubert I had on my computer upstairs and I found I was still alone in the bed. I sighed and rolled over. I listed to the softly playing music, unable to close my eyes again. Some time later, I heard my wife moving down stairs and soon she came to bed. I heard her place her glasses down on the little shelf/table thing by the bed, and she climbed into bed.
Soon after, I drifted off to sleep again.
I awoke this morning with that "I feel uncomfortable in my skin" feeling and decided to give up on the sleep. I came down and sat at the computer. And now, after checking the facebook thing and all my other stats that I obsess over, I'm writing this without really having a reason to.
Tomorrow is her birthday and I have nothing yet to give her. I wish I could be sleeping now, but that's just not possible. So I'll turn my attention to getting some work done here on the computer and be ready for a nap just in time for everyone to wake and want breakfast. In other words, this is going to be just like any other day for me...
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