Oh, have I failed....

Never in my life have I been more frightened as I am at this moment.

I am so in love with a woman who is poised to leave me because I fucked up.

So long ago, I wished nothing more than to remove this woman from my life, and perhaps this is because I understood what I did not comprehend at the time.  I understood that this woman was as a virus to my heart, and she has enveloped my very soul with her essence.  I now can not imagine existing without her...

But I have destroyed so much in my own self centered anger.  As a young man who is confused and uncertain of the future, I lashed out to the closest victim I could find.  I reasoned that I was righteous in actions due to an unclear mind.

I have failed at school, teenage life, and further into my adulthood.  I surround myself with thoughts that I may someday "Become someone," but in the end I find myself blissfully happy at a couple of book sales a week.  I and my family live off of a pipe dream and foodstamps... I have failed...

I have spent decades looking for where I belong.   I have tried Christ, goths, raves, and intellectuals... and find nothing of solace from any of these people.  Instead, I find solace in the bottle that helps me feel human again.  But what is humanity but vulnerability.

I am so tired, and yet I can't bring my mind (or soul, perhaps) to rest.

Here's my favorite part of this song... it starts at 3:41... so poignant...

And then there's those words... "peace... hope... love... Jesus Christ..."

Can we not find a solution that doesn't involve a tall tale legend from days gone past...?

Okay, well, I need some sleep before I sleep here and ... sorry drifted off there,,, good night sweetness!