been a month... what a month!

It's been a whole month and a couple of days since the last time I decided to write something in  this blog.  I suppose if this were a Catholic Confession, I would begin with, "Forgive me father for I have sinned.  It has been about 32 days since my last confession..."  But I'm not Catholic.  (well, not any more.  They tried to raise me that way, but I didn't quite conform.  Though, I'm told that once you are Catholic, you always are.  In that case, I'm recovering.)

I would love to type that I have been very busy working hard on a variety of things that I was to be working on, but that would be a fairly substantial lie.  In fact, I've done about nothing this past month in terms of working for anything of my own projects.  This has largely to do with being pulled in several directions, finding myself in a bout of depression and aggravation leading me to the bottle who has been ever vigilant over my free time.

The month started with a return to a childhood memory and a reconnecting with my grandfather who had influenced me in ways I am still realizing.  I also had a very profound conversation with myself on a very long walk that humbled me considerably in some terms.  Unfortunately, in the mess of life at the beginning of this month, my wife and I mostly skipped celebrating the Anniversary of out wedding.  I had planned to delay a small celebration of this event a week later when thing would have calmed down, but as it turned out, my grandfather fell over from a stroke only three days after saying good-bye to him.  He never came back to us and finally succumbed nearly a week later.

His passing marks a moment when one generation of my family has gone from me on that side of the family as my grandmother died over a year ago.  Understand that I realized when she passed that he would not be long as they had been together for 61 years.  When a couple is so entwined, it seems inevitable that they would not wait long to join their beloved who have gone before them.  Non-the-less, it was an event that I am slightly saddened about, and for very selfish reasons.  I had not really been in contact with my extended family for years, and it seems that I have reconnected just in time to say goodbye.

So, with retrospect and a certain level of desired numbness, I turned to the one thing that seems to always be there for me when the humans around me have failed to be there.  Bottle after bottle had been consumed, and sadly as I have a tight budget at this time, the bottles have been cheep.

Only a few days ago there was a service for Pop-pop.  This month has been a cold one for me, and I am eager to move on.  I'm sipping at my tea, thinking about what I should do now.  This blog is only once piece of my desire to get back to work.  I have loads of things to get done in the next couple of days.  For now, I'm hoping to just keep out of the bottle and enjoy the tea.  My soul has been weighted by frustration and anger, sadness and exhaustion; it's time to get up and move again.

That said, I'm going to finish this long ass blog and start rummaging through my unfinished works.

hurry up and, oh, not yet...

Chilling out here, suddenly feeling tired as I wait to head to the day job.  Listening to Old Crow Medicine Show and thinking that I should be productive in some manner, but I honestly just don't give a shit.  What I really want to do is get back into bed and sleep for another few days.

It's funny how a vacation can wreck your schedule.  I went away with the family for a week, or nearly, and came home last Friday.  I still feel like my internal schedule is in shambles.  Though the vacation was worth it.  I feel relaxed a bit, and then I find myself instantly overwhelmed with the daily shit I need to worry about in my life.  There are three dresses hanging here that i need to do some minor adjustments on that I just haven't been able to motivate myself to get to.  Well, I have no choice on the matter.  Today, I will get the work done as I have to make another kilt by Friday.

And then there is the realization that there are just over three months to got before X-mas.  How should I deal with my marketing this year?  I mean, the books are there, and I'm not sure I will have much in the way of new material, much to my aggravation.  As for my Etsy site, I feel it looks naked and I haven't had much time to fill it with much.  I have some ideas for new projects to put more products into my shop, but that requires time, motivation and a little scratch to get a few supplies.

And that's a big one for me right now.  You know, I met a young lad who is working on a college degree and was introduced to me because he shares my ambition to be a fiction writer.  After a brief conversation, I explained to this young lad that unless he wished to struggle to pay the bills, he should make sure that he gets something more out of his college experience that he can run with to make some money.  Let me tell you, these next few months are going to get really tight for me as the bills keep coming and the paychecks are getting no larger.  On top of that, the reserve from the tax return is about out, so things will get really tight as we need to make it all on what we can get.

But I suppose it's not all that bad.  As I said, I have some projects in the works.  I'm thinking of doing a T-shirt or two as well.  Though I would need to buy more screen and... well, we'll see.  Okay, I need to get one thing done before I head to work.  '

If nothing else, at least I posted a blog today!

Ah, the bliss of laziness...

So, I gave myself a month to catch up with life and maybe get some writing done.  To this end, I put the blogs and such on hold for a month, and even took a few weeks to make filler cooking shows.  I have to admit that in the month that I gave myself, I've done nothing to prepare for getting back into the swing of my busy schedule.

I had thought that I would enjoy the time with building a back up of recipes and blog posts so that I could take it easy for some time.  This of course didn't happen.  What did happen was that I found my brain enjoying the rest.

As I look forward to the next week when I will get back into the swing of things, I feel ready to get into the roll of it.  I have a brain full of ideas and I'm ready to get back to work.  In a way, this was a brilliant vacation for my mind.

But now, I'm really fucking hungry!  I am ready to eat something egg oriented.  I'm off!

to the public:

really, fuck off.  I'm dealing with this fucking depression in my life and I could probably give a fuck right now... unless you can make my wife not so pissed off that she hates me and won't touch me... then just move along.  

a poem for today... and my depression...

I wrote a poem about how my day ended:

The banks clock claimed it was 99 degrees
and my wife asked for steak on the grill, please
And as always I do what I need to appease 
Only wish I could be treated not like a fucking disease.