And on eve of a new year...

ugh

need sleep, but had to make entry... oh god, need sleep.

New CD

I just got the new Rammstein CD, and it is fucking awesome!!!! It is intense, beautiful, and a little warped at times. God do I love it!

Now that that's done with....

Time to return to the normal drudgery of life. In other words, keep poisoning the cats and having se... Oops, wrong thought. I mean, back to work and time to pay all the credit card bills for all that gift giving. The regret will set in soon, and around Easter we'll start taking down the lights.

yup...

santa came...

well...

SANTA IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Santa!!!

I can't wait to see my presents under the tree... or whatever. Maybe I'll get nothing... Oh well, I wasn't very good anyway.

Well...

That was interesting. Kinda like, "I know what you're going to say, so I want to make you say it so that now I can be mad at you." And now it's morning... Only a few more days until Santa!!!

never mind... i'll write something when it comes to me

Closer...

The time is fast approaching when that fat man in red comes and gives us presents... Yup

mmmmm....

Okay, done work... time to wrap gifts.

Ah, nothing like it in the world...

A piece of.... And a taste of blasphemy!!! Good night

Ahhh, if only I didn't need money....

I could have off tonight. Nope... I need the money. Well, there are some good things about working tonight... and then there's the work.

WOW....

um.... Hey, i want x-mas presents!!!! I want expensive things and toys and shit I can play with!!! I want cool shit that will occupy my time and mind in constructive... fuck that... I want a redhead.

Finally

Today I got a little good news... But I'll tell you all about it some time in the future. Until then, time to shave the traditional yak!

A few words....

1... Who the fuck really does want a Charlie in the box?! 2... If your squirt gun shoots jelly, then maybe it was just filled wrong. 3... If your toy boat sinks, it's got a hole in it! 4... Finally, ever notice how Santa seems like he's a card carrying member if the KKK with the whole, "It's a shame he's not like the rest of the Aryan reindeer."

fullfilment

Need to get so many things done for so many people... Like now I'm working on copying a tape to cd for this guy... then I have to burn a few cds... for about a dozen people... and I'm tired. I want to watch a movie and be lazy... ok.

Today's word...

Today I am in a hopeful and depressed mood. Let's not go too much into it, just that that's it.

so tired, but I need to stay...

It get's difficult... I need to hear... god, i've been so.... before delirium hits...

Ahhh...

Nothing like watching the Greatest Christmas movie ever made!!! Miracle on 34th Street is really the best thing about the holiday season.

One

I think it is well known that I am not pleased how things have turned out for me. Tonight, as I was driving home and I was thinking how easy it could be to just veer off and hit the guard rail at about seventy... tear up the passenger side and so one.... Solving a lot of my problems.... Instead, I drove home safe and sound.

ya' gotta be kidin' me!

it's bet time already? fuck, where did the god damned day go!!!!

Ummmm

Need to get ready for the day.... and whatever else.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG!

Today a man is dead for no better reason than being a rock star.... I have nothing to say.

Need a nap.

Wake me up when it's time to go to work. Thanks.

Ok, who did it?

I wanna know who's fault it is! C'mon... Someone here is the guilty party, and no one is leaving until I find out who it was.

It is time...

To go grocery shopping... And get poison to feed the kitties!!!

Why is it?

I get this strange letter, and I wonder what it's all about because I have my email out for pen pal things, right? So someone emails me, and I think maybe it's legit since there is not sex ad in it... Only now I get a letter from someone and they are from Russia looking for a husband and friend from America.... Should I consider this something to write back to, or just drop altogether?

The Happ's, man...

Okay, so I need to get some new stuff on the website... will do this week.... And I need to get in touch with my publisher... Book will be out by January, and I'll start taking advance orders when I figure out that shit... Oh my god, my head will explode now for no apparent reason... Catch the pieces like a pinata!

very tired....

need to update... then sleep.

There is nothing like...

I love the horror movie/slasher movie thing. Makes you feel good to be alive...

not interested

I think I'm tired. I should was dishes... and maybe finish laundry....

there are times when....

there are those strange moments where everything is really good, and nothing could possibly be wrong... and then you wake up and realize you're still fucked!

I am so tired

I didn't exactly get enough sleep, and I have a long lunch ahead of me.... Oh well. I'm ready to have a few days off now.

Fuck....

So, aside from working my fourth double in a row... I feel good about a few things. I think I'm out of my cure mood... And someone did a really nice and helpful thing for me tonight that may effect my future in a positive way... We'll see, but it's nice to have some one who thinks of you.

I need to get out

I really don't want to do today...

ever wonder what happened to it all?

I was contemplating things today, and I was wondering what I am going to do when I realize that it's all shit. I wonder what I will do if I suddenly realize that it's all nothing I want any way.

still hurting

Maybe a three egg cheese omlette will make it all better... Or at least I won't be hungry... I need to get ready for work... too much work.

Holy fuck does that hurt!!!!

I hurt myself and I need some one to kiss it to make me feel better... Or a BJ would be nice... Never mind, I'll just do it myself.

It's like peanutbutter...

Okay

an update of... well, um... nevermind... I'll be back

Start the list....

I want "Faces of Death" action figures!!!!

The game....

It's easy. We all pick a number from one to three billion. Then, we put all the possible numbers in a hat, and we pick eight numbers... Every one with those eight numbers gets a weapon of choice, and a free "kill who you want once" ticket. Okay, got that so far? Then, you have to give the weapon and ticket to the closest living relative of the person you killed and hope they didn't care for each other. Any takers?

There passes another day...

And tomorrow begins the mad and insane rush to the malls to buy all sorts of shit as cheaply as possible for people who you would likely never give two shits about otherwise... Welcome to the holiday season.

Whatever...

You know, I don't eat turkey... The potatoes are crap, and the vegi's are canned... I hate thanksgiving dinner at the inlaws.

Very lovely...

Ever have a nice time, and really just leave smiling? Like tonight? Yeah, that's it exactly.

Spam....

I hate spam... I get tons of it all of a sudden, and I have no idea where they come from or how to stop it... oh well. Lost my earing, so I'm making a new one... I'll be sending out an email for T-giving, so if you don't get it, it's because you're not on my mailing list.

What people think they know...

Despite it all, I'm not exactly doing as well as I pretend... I keep this mask up so that I can get through the shit... I need to go.

stitching...

Okay, well, I have a week ahead of me... Too much, and yet not quite enough. Off I go to stitch my socks and warm my feet...

finally

been having trouble posting... did laundry... updated page... and all the other important shit except that I feel like I'm missing something terribly...

Grilled egg and chees sandwich...

you have no idea how much I start to miss someone when you don't hear their voice for a day.... on another note, I need to eat breakfast, and I'm tired.

the truth....

The is no real truth... It's only what you make of it. What do you want to believe? Okay, then believe it and it becomes truth.

okay, so this is saturday...

Just gonna get some shit done here online before work... maybe get some writing done.... and work on this idea of Kyle's on making some money off him.... Okay, here I go.

Behind in shit...

I need to update my site with a couple of links... And work on some other stuff... Not to mention that Kyle had an idea that I'm going to work on.... As for other things... Did a reading at Bube's Thursday night and I think people dug it... May have to do it again.

survival....

Wow, that was interesting. And it's all okay now, I think. At least for now... The down side is that I'm a little hungover, and I could use a lot more sleep than I got. well, off I go to face the world.

funny things and such

still in a cure mood... Tired... long day at work... ever watch a man laugh at himself and have no clue?

Ok... So it went down like this...

I was in a pissy mood tonight for whatever reason... And I'm tired. I need sleep. I was told by a friend that I'm killing myself, and when I explained why I was, he said it changed his intensity, but not his conclusion. Make sense? Okay, well, I need to get to bed since I just got home and I'm tired.

Still Cure...

You know, I really think I need to have something happen here. You know, when you're getting too much thought and not enough action... I need to have something really good happen... it's been a bit. Ok, well, i need to write...

The cure mood

Ever get in a mood where all you want to listen to is the cure... can last hours... days... weeks... no one really knows how long it can last.

Wondering

why is a... holy god what the fuck was that? Did a car crash into... oh, never mind.

Memories from hell

Ever suddenly recall something from your past that was really painful? Something that you had not thought of in years that just suddenly popped in there and made you suddenly feel the emotions and feelings of pain and hurt you felt when it had happened? Kinda threw me today.

um...

yeah. Time to do it all over again... new places to send to, new places to say no... but at least I'm trying....

ahh, breakfast

I love eggs and toast for breakfast...

long day and shit

i could use a "get out of life" card for a few days... or weeks. Yeah, time away with some one special....

cold and wet...

This is not making for a profitable day... In fact, I'm gonna make squat today. On the up side, I have two new short stories i've written in the past week, and I just had a third idea.

Illnesses

So what do you get when you have a six year old, a bad cough and a quick gag reflex? Lots of vomit... Hydrochloric acid anyone. ewww.

Jazz...

Ever get in the mood for something a little different? Yeah, me too. So here I sit downloading Jazz. I have such a huge collection of every style you could think of that I like, and yet I have so little jazz. Oh well, that's what the internet is for... well that and porn.

Happy noise

Ah, the sound of screams and pain. There's nothing like it. To watch someone hurt and you know they like it. Okay, on another note... nope, got nothing.

Well...

Ever been really embarrassed, like when your boss walks into you having sex?

Hot Tea and porn

There are few better ways to start the morning aside from a blow job. Random thought of the morning.... I need to go grocery shopping today with the few measly bucks I can use to feed my self and my daughter.

ever listen

I think it's funny when you just pop in a song that you haven't heard in ages, and suddenly it's so much better that it was ages ago... Why? Because...

sick days...

Kept my daughter home from school today, and in turn slept in after I checked on her this morning. That felt nice, but now I feel like I should be the one staying home for a sick day. I have to work later, but I guess I can pretend until then. Get some work done.

addiction... returning...oh god help me.

Ever play those card games they install on your computer before you get it? They can get pretty damned addictive. You know, just to win the game you play about twenty games. And when you win, you think, "I wanna win another," so you play again. And again... And again! Oh fuck, it has my soul now... Might as well play another game.

Quick days...

Okay, so my lunch shift sucked... Not very profitable. Oh well. You ever see a tree with just one last leaf of it that seems to be saying, "Fuck you, I ain't letting go!"

makes me wonder

SO you are the product of your parents.. and the apple never falls far from the tree? Okay, well that leaves me pretty fucked, doesn't it. I guess I'll become a psycho-religious drunk with a shit load of pets i don't have time for. fucking lovely.

time, and waiting

for the right moment when I can make a call without any one noticing... and i want to make the call.... until...

a few things for today...

I have to get a new update up on the site... okay, got that ready... do that later on. i had a million thoughts only a moment ago, but now they are all gone... oh well. guess it wasn't too important. off work today... need to get some house work done, but I'm feeling lazy. maybe I'll just skip it and write all day... that would be nice.

Coughing...

I'm so sick of being ill... I need to stop coughing.... I get colds and they just don't ever completely leave me for months at a time.... On a happier note, I had a good lunch today. And then I got suckered into doing an extra shift... It happens at least once a week, and I was almost worried it wouldn't happen this week.

day the next

another weekend without faire... There are some things I'm really missing... I mean REALLY missing. but there are also some things that i'm not, like being cold, early mornings... I miss being able to make myself center of attention so easily, or just being able to go up and talk to random people for no reason... oh well. I guess I'll have to do it next year.

Placements

Today was disappointment after disappointment... First, my plans for next week were crushed by an oversight... Second, I realized how poor I really am... And now I find that I am almost out of Tea. Watch me deflate....

fun, fun feeling

time to... watch the world blow away in the wind in my eyes... I need to get away and hide. I need a little corner in a cave to disappear into. I need to just forget about everything except what I have a passion for. I need to lose myself in a dream and forget the rest of the shit in the real world. I need to... fly.

oh yeah...

so you know what is so great about getting away with some thing? getting away with it.

bold... ah... whatever

okay, so maybe I'm not always thinking with a full deck, I know. Why is it that people like to point this out all the time. I am fully aware of what I am doing, but sometimes you just have to say, "Fuck it, I wanna do what I wanna do!"

Well

I could think of worse things... Like maggots in an infants colon.

movie wise

okay, so at the end of the old black and white Frankenstein movie, do you think all the villagers were pissed that they didn't have bread for the time it took to build a new wind mill?

movie wise

okay, so at the end of the old black and white Frankenstein movie, do you think all the villagers were pissed that they didn't have bread for the time it took to build a new wind mill?

day of dirt

I cleaned all day. I woke up, got leanore to school, voted and cleaned. I did take a few minutes to eat somewhere in there, but otherwise I was cleaning. I'm actually exhausted... but I'm not quite finished yet. there are still more dishes to finish up, and the counters in the kitchen to clean. and then there's the stove that needs scrubbed, the walls need washed.... oh god, it never seems to end.

Voting day

You had better go out and vote... That's all for that shit. At least the commercials and ads will be done.

When paranoia sets in

Ever start to think about something good so much that suddenly you get that tiny thought that says it's about to be gone. It's not really substantiated, and you're pretty sure nothing is wrong, but now the thought is there. There's nothing for the thought to do but grow...

strange things

So I just watched this movie, and I'm too lazy to see what it was called... something like "sunshine of the spotless mind" i think. any ways, it got me thinking. I need to do something...

Idea...

I figure that it would be nice to have a memory of every day... so why not take a picture every day. I think I'm going to get a camera, and every day, just take one picture. Then I'll get a photo album and keep these pics o' the day... kinda like a journal...

First weekend without

This has been the first weekend in months without the faire. I have to say that I miss the place, but at the same time, I'm enjoying the freedom to stay out late and party it up. On that note, the past two nights were really groovy, and I dug them. Sadly, it's over... or not. There were some really nice parts about the creepshow at Bube's, but they were tiring. Now, it's back to the regular life I had before... Anyone need a clown?

Ever wish

So, have you ever had a moment when you suddenly realize you have no idea how you, or maybe what exactly you go to where you were. Like, when you wake up and start making love with the person you are with... And suddenly you wonder... Oh, never mind. Been a long day and I'm unhappy. The only person who could make me happy now is hopefully sleeping soundly...

I wish I sucked...

I was asked to come in and work today, on my day off, and I said yes because otherwise they are totally screwed. Now I am. I'm tired, as was expected for today, but I also had planned on not having to work today. On the good side, it's mindless work, but it's also very physical... fuck. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll be appreciated there as well.

soooo... another show

tonight I'll be performing my music for what could be the last and only time in my life... i miss the days of doing my music in front of audiences. It's such a rush... but those days are past. oh well. ok, well, off to work and my busy day.

Another phase...

Why do we, as men, love boobs? All they're made of is skin and fat. Sure, there are the whole mammary gland things in there, but they only become important when chicks are pregnant. So what is it about those things we like so much?

Morning again?

It's too early for mornings. The cats are hungry and they won't shut up about it. Ever wish you could just make things mute with a remote control. This needs to be invented along with the time machine!!!

Next phase....

Watch a zombie movie. As you sit there watching the movie, wonder a few things... 1, would I survive if zombies attacked? 2, would I suddenly become an ace shot with a hand gun? 3, what the fuck is wrong with me that I'm even wondering about this?

Finally!!!!

It is finished. Book #7. I still don't have a title, but it's not too bad. I wish I could celebrate with about 7 naked chicks (ya' know, book 7) and a big ole' bottle of JD!!!! Instead, I guess I'll just masturbate to 7 pictures of online porn.

The rabbit...

I was figuring when I got the damned thing that it would only live a few years, only to now find out that the damned thing will likely live for a whole fucking decade!!!! I was so hoping it would die over the winter and was actually going to dig it a hole. well, maybe I'll dig the hole and just hope (or make) an accident.

The next step...

So, I have cleaned most of this afternoon and am shocked to see that it's hardly noticeable. Regardless, it is time for me to chill and write for a bit until I have to make dinner. Okay, off into my mind and imagination I go...

...Phasing

Part Two... Waking up cold. There comes a time when the air outside is getting cold enough that you want to turn on the heat, and yet you like the idea of saving money by not doing so. You know the sun will likely warm the house before too long, and it's not too cold you reason. You just don't want to commit to having to pay for hear again as you think of thing to bake to warm the house a little. I think I'll make cookies and baked potato soup today.

Phases

Part one... The realization that perception is an individual thing. The color blue looks blue to me because I know it as blue, but if I could see it through your eyes would it really be red? Is grey really hot pink, and we all just see it a little differently? Then I wonder about the rest of what I see as reality. Is there really a difference in hot and cold? Like stepping on ice, or a scalding hot black top. Is the pain really different? So is death and life all one? If I were to die now, would I really be gone?

the end?...

So, the PA renn faire has finally finished it's 2004 season. I managed not to cry at Finale, and after. I think I'll survive not seeing these people until next season, but I will definitly miss them. I have learned a lot from the experience, and I am a better person for having done this. So, I shall now retire the "baggette of doom" and continue on in my life as a writer and waiter.

hmmm?

Okay, well, I have mixed feelings about the end of faire. I had such a good time. Retarded moment of the day: I left my lights on and had to get a jump start. oops. And another thing is: is it a good idea to buy a possible homicidal friend the most vicious looking dagger at the sword shop? I think so.

Okay, couple of things...

Okay, so you almost feel bad when a guy with the handicap licence plate comes to a complete stop at a green light... not only are they dissabled, but they are evidently really stupid! Second, I got a lecture on how I am such an asshole. I know this and I really don't need a lecture about it. and finally, where the fuck are my fans sending me naked pictures?!

Live with yours

'Live with yours' was the first song that was written between Dennis and I for Agape Le Abattoir. Funny, but so long after that song was written, after all the times I had sung that song, suddenly it makes sense like it never did before. I understand it.... "Think like the crowd, get carried away. Never leave this town, we'll bury you that way." ... "The day is so long and I can not see. Feeling my mind is all I have and I want to be free. Fear and there is nothing that I fear. Love and create, your death is never near!" ... Just a few lines that suddenly have so much meaning.

home alone

I am home alone... kid in school, wife at work... what am I to do with myself? I just found a frozen pizza in the freezer, there's brunch. I could jerk off to porn all day... write a be productive... get house work done... and other shit!!! this is so great.

I Don't need it!

Why are so many people suggesting I get happy pills? Today, four people suggested that I may be better off if I give them a try. One was a professional shrink! But you know what? I like the anger I feel. I like the sadness I have. I like the fact that I want to brutally destroy half the people I meet by bludgeoning! So, fuck off about the god damned happy pills!!! I like me just fine!

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!!!!

WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE HONK THEIR GOD DAMNED HORN OUTSIDE AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!!!!! GO TO THE FUCKING DOOR AND KNOCK ON IT BEFORE I GET A FUCKING SHOVEL AND BLUDGEN YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!!!!!!! GOD,i fucking hate people. been drinken, can ya tell? i like the idea of drinking, tripping down the steps and.. . never mind. if you kill someone while drunk, do they reduce sentense? i need to get the fuck away from this place. anyone want to take in a house trained writer/dreamer who can quote Poe, Wilde, Shakespear and the bible. (don't ask on the last one, i just can) Or if anyone needs a human target, let me know. Okay... need to finish bottle and see if I can survive. distance does not make the heart grow fonder... it just tears it apart.

okay, so...

A bit on the rainy side. you know, I love the people I work with. They inspire amazingly good ideas for the next piece of work I will be writing. granted, i will never be able to let most of them read it, but it will be spectacular. i need more sleep, and maybe a lobotomy... who knows.

Dreams?

Ever have a dream that you wish could be real? you know, like the one where you win a million dollars, or the one where you finally get that supermodel girlfriend, or the one where you finally bring that assault rifle to work and blast away all those mother fuckers who are always pissing you off?

i should be...

I should be shot, pushed from a cliff and burried so my grave could be violated.

i should be...

what would I like?

So once I was asked how I ask for a blow job. My response, which made the chick asking the question think I was an asshole, was that I just push her head down. Okay, well, what other answer should one give? but you know, I guess to me, i would just rather have sex. there is something a lot closer and more personal about sex. But when I do get one, I would't even come close to saying I'm not satisfied. On that note, I need phycho fans. I need people who send me their shitty work, artwork they did, and nude photos of themselves. actually, I would just settle for the photos from chicks.

waited

and all for not...

ever think too much

on a word that makes sense until you dwell on it too long. Like "slippery?" think about it, say it about a dozen times and then it begins to fall apart. suddenly, it makes no sense together as a word!!! oh shit, how am I going to describe KY ever again, i wonder.

sometimes...

you know, it always seems to me that when I get good news, especially really good news, something always happens that makes me forget about it. well, the good news is that my work is finally getting recognized, and the bad news is that someone dear to me has had a terrible thing happen. The worst part about that is that I can't do a damned thing to change it. I wish I was a better human with a way to make things better...

soooo....

As the days grow colder and shorter, I begin to look forward to Earl Grey Tea and candle light. then the snow will come, and my back will hurt from shoveling. Frozen morning waiting for the car to warm up... where is that old man winter fucker. I think we've had enough of his shit. let's go out and club the fucker to death like a baby seal!!!

what I need...

Ever have one of those days where you either want an ax to kill some one or a blow job? I only have enough money for the ax, and this saddens me for some reason. Oh well.

so...

if you wanted to kill someone, and you were alowed to... who would you kill. like if suddenly the government gave out a "kill one person and get away with it card," would you use it? I know I would, and if you aren't going to use yours, can I have it?

can you believe

it's time for bed already.... what would you do with your very own nuclear weapon? I know what i would do... do you? and on that note, wouldn't it be great to have a grenade launcher... you know, fire one into a mall during black friday and ruin countless numerous of holiday seasons with a simple pull of a trigger. sweet dreams...

Those not expected....

it's the ones you really don't expect that are the killers. Things like my dad sending me religious fucking shit in my email... expected and deleted with out a second thought. My mother being a total drunk and waste of human life, expected even in I didn't want to admit it. And then there are the things you don't expect... like being shredded when instead all you wanted was something that made you feel like you had reason. I have spent a lot of time thinking about why this life of mine is absolutely worthless, and it is really. then something comes along and it made me feel like things were right... looking better and all that shit. I could breath and smile... and then what should happen? dropped from the better back to here. welcome to my fucking world. I hope your suffering, because at least I can enjoy that a bit. ...it won't stop, it wants me dead... god damned this noise inside my head...

Voices?

It doesn't bother me that the voices are always saying, "Kill em! Kill em! Kill em!..." It's when i hear, "I want the bananna with cream and sugar!" that I get a little worried.

thought of the day...

you know, go for whatever you want; because if you really fuck up and there is no way out, you always have suicide.

15 minutes later...

okay, thought for the day.... The children of today are all doomed to lives of misserable failure, VD and hate crimes... Reminds me of being in high school myself. And another thought for today... if given 15 minutes, use them wisely. trust me, it's nice.

Jobs and the retarded...

So this may get me shot, but fuck it... It needs to be said. Okay, so I go to target, and i see a sign that says they are hiring... First thought was that I want the job of the person who sits at the door and says, "hello." But this job seems to always go to the retarded guy or woman. so I wondered if I went in and acted like a retard, would I get the job? The thought brings to mind how people are always trying to be so fucking PC about retarded and handicapped even though every one knows at least one retard joke. Why is it that every time you say one, someone in the audience has a retard family member somewhere? Now the joke isn't funny. instead, you have just become a really ignorant mother fucker of the insensetive kind. You know what, I can't make a goddamned joke in MY OWN HOUSE about retards! well fuck that! If it's your family, it should become your joke. Fuck PC... If it's funny, just fucking laugh and get over it!!!

Peter Pan

You know, I love the story of Peter Pan... not only does he have no worry or cares, but he never has to deal with shit like reality. Fuck reality, I want to stay in the fantasy for as long as I can. If there was a way to make the fantasy a reality, i would likely try, but as I always say, "the fantasy is always better." SO would reality tarnish the beauty of a fantasy would it to cross over? fuck if I know... I'm still trying to figure out where I'm at..... if this has made any sense to you at all, i'm sorry because you may need help.

this is kinda sad

so, there are only three more weekends left of faire... I am saddened. very saddened. it always seems to be that just when the party is getting to be amazingly fun, that's when it's time to go. I don't wanna go yet.

Rain and wetness...

Okay, so it is pouring outside right now, and I really hope those at the faire in tents are dry...

wow...

Yeah, that is really all I can say.... WOW.

random thought

so, while brainstorming, I had this random thought: A mother with a sixteen year old daughter. The mothers boyfriend has sex with the daughter, contracting a VD, and then in turn gives it to the mother.... Just a random thought. This is what happens while I brainstorm, and I thought I would share with everyone.

groan...

So, I have but about five chapters left to go... any bets on how long it will take? and I have to write another editorial piece... will be most merry.... So, who have you wished dead today?

sooooooo....

another day. another dollar... or about 76 cents after taxes... and then about 50 after child support... then there is rent and bills leaving you with 1 penny to go out and have a good time on. yeah... this is what it's really like.

lovely...

You know, I love where I work. Not a bad place... Great boss. Good drinks. Great atmosphere. And to top it all off, there is Kyle pissing off snobby bitches who think they are all that and a bag of chips. What really makes me laugh is that she is not only going to vote for Bush again, she is actually part of some young republican group that is helping him try to get back into office. I really hope that he either looses this election, or someone assassinates him quickly if he makes it.

why is it?

So it seems that I just can not have a full night's rest. I get home tonight late and have to wash laundry just so I can have clothes to work in tomorrow. This is irritating. Close tonight, open and work all day tomorrow. and to make it worse, I am missing my Koibito. oh well. i'll survive for some reason. meanwhile, lets see how much of this chapter I can get done in an hour...

pleasant surprises

You know how nice it is to get a pleasant surprise when you really didn't expect it? very nice, indeed. Now, I must write before I have to work tonight.

priceless...

I have to say that I love this week's editorial thing. It's good and says a lot. okay, well aside from the most incredible weekend of my life, there is little more that i can say freely here. Oh god was this a great weekend. Sadly, I will have to wait for too long for another weekend like this. hmmmm.....

called into work...

and it sucked. I hate that. I got a call that they needed someone to do a job I hate, but they asked nicely and promised to let me go as soon as they could. I got finished around 9 something. Oh well, it's money. so now I am just baking a potato and getting a few more words written before my weekend. chow.

blah, blah, blah

So I went and saw Epsilon last night. Excelent show! And then my car gave me trouble the whole way home. You know, I bought a new car so that I could avoid having to deal with it breaking down. Oh well. This kinda makes sense in my life, I suppose.
wow, that worked. okay, well, today I get to be a show and tell for my daughter in a few hours. meanwhile, I am trying to get some stuff caught up. I need to finish a chapter, I already wrote a new editorial thing. I may upload it this week, who knows. What else do I need to get done? Too much. I still haven't mowed my lawn. Oh well. It's going to stop growing soon, right? Sure. I'm going to update my visuals page. Maybe put on a new pic or two for any interested. I just want to keep the site interesting. Well, I should be going here. I need to clean the kitchen today as well as make a hundred phone calls. But only one will be important if I get to make it.

evil is catching

it feels good to know that I am not the only evil person in the world. okay, gonna eat so I can go see epsilon tonight.

ooo, yeah, hurt.

you ever do an activity you haven't done in ages? and afterwards, you are so happy you got to do it again. And then, a few days later, you realize that you used muscles that have not been used as such for ages, and you're really sore? Yeah, kinda like that. but it's always worth it. Oh yeah.

oh so tired

long, but amazing weekend. i wish I could go on and on about it, but sometimes it is best not to brag lest people hear. Let me see what could possibly be worth mentioning that I can mention... Well, I have just finished my four days strait of not being home. Funny thing is that I have been home to sleep and not much else. in other news, I am planning to have my book out in about 6-8 months from now. we'll see how that pans out. for now, I need to get some shit done.

wow, that was a weekend

and the title says it all. I have to say that I have never had such an evilishly good times as this weekend. Oh yeah, I'm on my way to hell if there would be such a place. But you know what Oscar Wilde says? "The only way to be rid of temptation is to give into it."

making hard boiled eggs

I love eggs, but I hate cleaning pans, making toast, and so on every morning. So I be making hard boiled eggs. Ahhh, ways to make it simple. Okay, well, lets see what else. Finished a chapter in one day yesterday. Nice deal, eh? Made me happy. Maybe I'll get another in before friday. Oh yeah, productivity.

soo much shit to do

it's like I need another me just to keep up now a days. I'm working, and when I'm not there, I'm at faire, and if I happen to not be at either, I am cleaning house, running laundry, or trying to get the lawn mowed when it's not raining. Life is just too busy. Not to mention that I have yet to get started with my Halloween decoration, and I need to get a show set up for the Creeo show at Bube's. And on top of that, I am trying to write this book and get it finished so I can start on one I need to write. i have 2 hours before bed, so I wonder what all I can finish by then... and finish this movie as well... we'll see.

tired of doing nothing

need to write a lot in the next week. I wanna get this book I'm writing finished so I can do another one I'm dying to get started on.

short days...

You know, after a weekend of the faire, it is really nice to have a nice, easy, and short lunch shift at work. I just picked up the premier album of Eisbrecher. German industrial. Almost a halfway between KMFDM and Rammstein. Very nice, and Leanore digs it. I also picked up the Avenue Q soundtrack last week and it has been in full rotation since. Very nice. Okay, time to get some work done around here. I have laundry, dishes, writing, and so on. chow.

Sorry...

I tried to stay up past 10 pm last night and failed. I needed sleep, so I'm updating the page this morning. maybe I'll get it done before anyone checks it out. okay... off to update before I have to get Leanore up.

pain

I am in so much pain. My feet, by head... and other things I will just keep to myself.

sad and dissapointment

Well, as with most things, there comes a time to ask a strait out question. Again I find myself getting the answer I want, and yet fear to hear. oh well.

Useless people

So I was mowing my lawn when my neighbor comes up sweeping her sidewalk since she just mowed her lawn. She begins to talk to me about how she wanted to get the lawn mowed before it would rain... because it will likely rain for three days... and the grass will get really long if she would wait until after it rains... so she wanted to be sure to mow before it rains... and so on. This conversation wasted ten minutes of my life. I just wish I could pull out a gun and shoot her there and now just to remove her from the gene pool. You know her kids will be as stupid. and some day, it's likely that her offspring will stop their neighbor and talk about mowing the lawn before it rains... because then the grass will be so long after it rains........

3 days...

I have just completed my three day stint at the Faire. long weekend, but fun. Lots of fun. Maybe too much. No, maybe next week will be too much. Oh yeah!

not feeling well...

SO I went to work and worked my lunch shift. It was slow, and I was thankful because I felt like shit. still do. I think I may try to eat something soon. You know, there is this fine line from nausea to hunger, and I think I am crossing over. well, need to add quotes to Kyle's page, and then off to play with Leanore for a bit.

feet and shit.

I am sooo tired. My feet hurt, and I realized that I won't be able to sleep in for months between the faire and getting my daughter ready for school. Oh well. I guess I'll survive, but I did want to complain. okay, done with that. I need to get some writing done. Until next post...

too long

I guess I waited too long to post. Been busy. Still busy. Somehow I managed to lose 6 chapters of my new book, so instead of moving forward, I need to go back and rewrite. Oh well. And I have dishes piling up and a lawn that never seems to stop growing. I think I'll stop mowing the back. no one sees it any way. Okay, need to check food.

new post... been a bit.

so, faire is in full swing, and I am sooo loving it. not much more on that.... need to write. I have seen and now I understand... but i still like it.

okay.. tired

there is porn in the background, and I am tired. I need to sleep to be ready for fair in the morrow. Night all. new update on sunday eve.

the worst

and the worst part about it was that I didn't even see it coming... that's what makes it really hurt.

the day has come

the day has come... the site opens it's doors to those out there who wish to read my work. not only that, but the end of the opening weekend of the fair is now open. so much has finally come to pass. okay, well, I shall away to rest and chill. muchly exhausted.

first day of faire

okay, really quickly... today was the first day of the pa renn faire. I was nervous, but I feel I did well. i am now ready to fall over... g'night.

strange nights

Okay, so I’m going to write this once and send it several places... I had the most interesting night last night. It started with my finishing my shift at Bube’s. Mike F., the bartender for the night, was gracious enough to make me 3 well whiskey and Pepsis. Whatever. Okay, so I was feeling good to start. Then I went over to the martini bar and had 2 martinis. Now I’m beyond feeling good. Anyway, the night draws to a close, and there are only 4 people sitting at the bar at last call. It was myself, that Chrissy chick from across the street, some girl I have no name for, and this Mexican at the other end of the bar. The Mexican guy speaks up and says he’s buying a round because it’s his birthday. Now by this point, Mike had cut me off and was feeding me a pot of coffee. (Good guy, Mike.)
Well, this Mex guy needs a ride home, and I say okay because I’m feeling okay by about 2:30. He was offering $20 for a ride, and I was not saying no. That would pay my tab for the night. So I drive this guy to his little apartment, and the whole time he’s asking me to come in and have a beer with him to celebrate his 35th birthday. I figure, what the fuck. This guy hands me $40 for the ride and company by this time. I’m saying to myself, "What the fuck am I doing here."
So, he hand me a Corona and then begins telling me how he loves this country and how he just recently became a citizen. He was going to vote for the first time since moving here, and he was excited because he was voting for Kerry. Then, he tells me of his 2 children. He shows me pictures that are all over his apartment of his daughters. He then tells me how they told him that their stepfather is abusing them.
He went on about how he called an abuse hotline, and he’s afraid his ex will be pissed and not let him see his children anymore.
After that story, I asked him where he was from, and he said that he moved from Canada, but he was born in El Salvador. What I wasn’t expecting was the story about how when he was six, his parents were killed by the government. He didn’t really go into detail, but he did tell me that it was something that he will never forget.
Well, after about an hour, I started to try to get out of there. He insisted I stay for 2 more for another $20. Well, I was already there, hadn’t finished the first beer, so I said okay. I was fortunate to get out of there about 20 minutes later, and I was happy to be going since it was about 4 am.
That was insane. Gave me a lot to think about.

step 2

working on the whole "getting the hell out of hell" thing. step 2 being looked at. I'm nervous, but it will all end up okay.

almost there...

There are but a few days before the faire begins, and I am a bit on the nervous side. No only will I have the shows I'm in, but I will also be playing feast master for feasts. This is evidently going to be every weekend. Exciting, yes. But at the same time, it's a little worrysome. Lot's of things to recall. Ques to get. and so on. I seem to be getting less and less sleep each night. There are a lot of things that I have on my mind. Opening weekend of faire is one... then there is my decisions. And friends I wish to see again soon. Okay, time to rest.

okay... Next...

I'm tired of things, I guess. This is what makes people make changes, right? At least for me, sure. The nice thing is the unexpected support. I got a very heartfelt hug today for support, and it really was nice to know people give a shit. I was more than happy to have the support. And the first steps have been started... We shall see where this goes. I know it will get better. I just need to get rid of my pessimist.

counting down...

So today is tuesday... and saturday is the first faire day. I will be in 2 shows, starting in saturday. not to mention the finale show. Looking forward to it all, really. not to mention the other things I am looking forward to. ahhh well. okay, gonna keep this really brief. so, bye for now.

Mixed things...

So, I have made a decision, and I am trying to convince myself it is the best for me and all those involved. I had a tarot reading that said it will happen, it will suck, but life will go on and be better. Okay, I now place my life in the hands of what fate will deem me... so long as I have the courage to do this. And then there is dennis. He has an amazing way of cheering me up, especially after such a dissapointing evening. I got called into work, tried to contact a friend who I am feeling I need to hear from more often than not, and to no avail. I suppose there is nothing to it, but I am a needy person.... or perhaps psychotic at times. Either way, when I feel I really want to hear someone's voice, I really want to hear their voice. I hate not getting my way. Oh well. I shall survive. SO I am just randomly writing shit no one will ever read for my cheep thearipy. Oh well. If the world was perfect in my eyes, I would be happy and the world would love me. But this isn't the case. Instead, I feel I should lay down on the ground and write, "Step here," and be done with it. This post is a bit on the sad, pathetic, self pity side. But if I can't pity myself, who the fuck will? night for now...

drunk

okay, you read it. i do to be drunk. i am contemplating bad things... mayeb they be good. who knows. fuck it, doth it matter any who? probly not. maybe more scotch will help thee sleep....

To Evil

I have to wonder if anyone is reading these, or am I just posting this for my own whatever. Eh, oh well. If perchance there is someone reading these, I say we raise a glass and have a toast to really evil things. Puts a smile on my face.

some how I screwed up

okay, so the post that say "shtuff" should have been here. FYI.

shtuff

Nothing new

Worked today... You ever go to a site, find something really good on it, and when you go back to find it you can't? My current problem. oh well. chow for now...

Long Day.

This was a long day. But a good one over all. I was up at six in the morning so I could be at the morning meeting of the first Renn Faire performance. Today was a kids' camp day at the faire, and for me it was the first time I had to be in character and costume for a day. It was a shorter day than what will be a normal faire day, but it did give me a good idea of what to expect when it goes into full swing. And that will be 10 days from today. (why won't this thing let me make another paragraph? okay... new paragraph) So what writing have I done today? None, as of yet. I plan to get something done this evening before I pass out from being exhausted. I have laundry to do tonight, yet, as well. So I guess I should stop procrastinating and get something done. Good Night.

shtuff

Blah... just checking my mail and whatever. Kinda chilly today... oh well. You know how people say, "You know what I could really go for?" I was thinking what some of the strangest things to say you could go for. Like a corpse. Or a crackwhore. What ever may be out of the norm to make people take a few steps back from you. Tis all for now.

First post

okay, gonna try this... This is a blog page to complement my other page. Here I will say a thing or two at least once a day if I can. I'll do the best I can at keeping up with this all.

For today, I will just say that I plan to have the site ready and moving by August 15th. I will be editing several essays between now and then, and continuing to write more when I feel like complaining.

At first, I thought to make all of my essays profound and really thoughtful, but then I realized that it would drive me nuts to do it. So, instead, I'll just write a column about whatever, even if make little to no sense to anyone else but myself. But, hey, as I always say: "So long as I'm laughing, it's funny."

To finish this entry, I'll just say that I hope people dig what I'm doing here. I really have been given a lot of encouragement by those who have read my work and liked it. If you dig my work, please tell me.