When I grew up and every year since until last year... no, not there. Not starting there. Okay: So it's not secret that I speak to no one in my family, really. I mean, I've become friends with a few of my cousins on facebook, but isn't that the idea. It's so impersonal. I mean, I've tried to make it personal by emailing via FB, but it's not a correspondence type of environment outside of stupid videos and mentioning shit you want people to just praise you on randomly. Okay... so I have no family of my own.
My ex-wife's family is a bunch of fuck wads... well, not all of them, but there really wasn't any love between us and them, you may say. I felt unwelcome, unliked, and I was sure it was a relief when I left.
My wife's family now was very nice to me. They seemed to be kinder and may have even liked me a little. But as of this past T-giving, I'm pretty sure that's fucked. (too long to really go into... perhaps later.) They tried, and I was on my best behavior... but when you get comfortable, you start to kinda let yourself be a little like yourself... well, I'm evidently a little too on the edge to be liked...
Okay, so one check for a place to feel welcome for the holiday....
I suppose add a check for a family to wish warm holiday greetings upon...
(that's 2 checked off)
Of course, this is the first X-mas in my life since I was 17 that I don't actually have a job...
(3)
---I was going to say something about the eggshells I have to walk on when it comes to decorating... but that's evidently not even notice around here...
okay, and back to where I was going to start... the tree. I grew up with a live tree... when I moved out and lived alone, I bought a tree. I had a tree when I married the first time. It was always important to me, so despite my ex wife having never done the real tree thing, she agreed to have one... Last year my wife now pushed about the tree thing because evidently it is such an abomination to have a real tree because of all the needles and cleenup and work and... i'm not sure if there really is much else. Even her son doesn't want a real tree. I was upset last year about it, and a few days before x-mas she bought a little $10 live tree... and I just wanted to throw it through the window because I felt that she just missed the point in the first place... and this year her exact words were "i just assumed... that we were putting up the fake tree..." So it is up...
(4)
I struggle like fucking mad to keep myself from getting depressed and mopey through this season as I contemplate all that I miss about this holiday. I try to do those inane things like "focus on what you have" and "think about those less fortunate" but what can I do with that really?
Okay, I know that somewhere this will bite me in the ass that I fucking wrote this, but I have little else to do but write to the virtual world of the PC/net that I imagine in my mind that anyone gives two fucks about me out there... and a whole fucking strand of god-damned lights are out, and it's those little shits that you just pitch rather than try to fix unless your Mr.A...
Okay, I'm done... for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment