sober bedtime? bad fucking idea!

 I'm thinking that going to bed sober was a bad idea...

So, the dream when like this:

It was my old neighborhood, and the neighbor had somebody with a megaphone telling them that they were doing something wrong... unimportant.

I was gathering friends for a party thing at my mother's house.

The basement was unfinished like it was when I was 5. There were a whole bunch of mats on the floor and blankets and pillows all over. The people there I knew only in the dream and had no recognizable features to anyone I ever met.

The topic of conversation was driven by myself about some japanese demons that I had been learning about in this dream. Well, as i was explaining about them, something seemed to happen. The whole mood grew dark and serious and the people around me started to grow nervous.

Suddenly, the one dog there, almost similar to my brother's dog some time back, began to viciously bark at me as though possessed. I wasn't afraid because I just blamed the atmosphere that was spooking the dog.
To prove that I wasn't afraid, I held out my hand to it. It lashed froward and almost got my arm when someone reigned in the dog with a leash.

As the dog was being dragged away, about five more dogs came in and started wildly barking but no one was there to stop them. Something happened and the dogs were finally taken away. My arms were bleeding from where they had bitten at me.

It was then that my cat who has now been dead for about 13 years in reality, showed up. He hissed and growled as I've never heard a cat before, and he jumped at me. I grabbed at my cat and tried to pin him down so that he wouldn't be able to reach my hands with his teeth.

There was no where I could hold him that I could prevent him from biting into my skin. I could actually hear his teeth piercing my skin. It was as though his bones could contort to reach me. Everyone around me was terrified and I could see blood all over my cat and my hands were in agony as blood gushed out. Someone asked if the blood was mine or the cats, and when I looked at my cat, his eyes were glaring with violent hatred.

It was at that moment that I awoke, dripping with sweat. I was freezing cold. I tried to close my eyes but all I could see was that last look of my cat... it was like that image in your eyes when you stare at something too long.

Not only the content of the dream disturbed me, but the obvious vivid memory of it.

So what do you think?


(yup, this is exactly what I remember from a dream I dreamed at nearly 1 AM this morning... )

belonging...s

I was thinking about how when I was a young lad, I wanted to belong to some group or another.  It was like I couldn't see that my small collection of friends were really enough.  I wanted to be part of the popular crowd, and I would often get very distraught that it had never happened.  

Now, I look back and realize that it was absurd to feel like that.  I make my own way and have my own thoughts, and for this I leave an impression on people I meet.  I can not begin to tell you how many people remember me from brief encounters.  

Eh, and on that note... nope, actually, I have no idea what to say today except that I really want a nap.  I think that waking up late, drinking a couple of drinks and then going back to bed after a big breakfast isn't such a good thing... Ah... lazy Sunday!

history and shit...

So my parents had a rough time with me at a point... but I turned out fine in the end.  I learned more from my books and reading the Satanic Bible than I did from my parents in the end.  Of course there is the whole idea that I learned from their mistakes.  But what about what I learned about how to properly deal with the young adolescent shit head that I was?

So there is the old parental idiom: "I hope your kids turn out just like you."

Funny thing is, my daughter seems to be doing just fine.  I'm very proud of who she is and what she does.  I love her and am happy that despite the divorce, she will turn out just fine... or as fine as any child will.  But my current wife's son is a nightmare in a way.  He's not even mine, and he frustrates the fuck out of me!  Unfortunately, he reminds me much of my own person I was way back then.  I would like to imagine that I learned from my mistakes.  I feel I did sometimes... but often I made the same mistake over and over again.  But in my defense, I felt justified about my choices because I did it to attain the ultimate goal of losing my virginity.  I suppose I would feel a little more compassion about his rebellion if I believed that he was doing it for this reason... but it just seems that he's lazy and refuses to own up to the punishment his actions have warranted...

Of course, I didn't tell my dad that I ran away to try to stick my dick in a girl, so I imagine they felt the same way I do now... wonder what would have happened if I had been that honest about it all way back then...?

It Snowed!

I love the snow... But now I want more... it's this strange thing that I felt when I was a child, and I think it followed me into adulthood.  I long for the blizzard like snow storms like back in '93 and '96... those were fun days.

But aside from that, I'm ready for a break from the bullshit around me.  Some days I feel that this will only be achieved when everyone I know is dead and I will be as well.  Kinda shitty thing to say, but I feel that I'll relax when I don't have to think about any one else.

Or maybe I should just make the kids take a nap and do the same... I could use a totally lazy day where I don't even use my brain at all...?  But until then, I need a shower, to edit and to get dishes done, and rooms cleaned and ... well, it just goes on and on...

I really want that white stuff!

So, the weather says there might be snow tomorrow.  Of course, it also says that the snow won't amount to anything.  Damn!  I really want snow!  I love snow!  I love watching it fall to the ground.  I love watching it pile up.  I love sending the 13 year old out to shovel it as I sip hot tea.  

Okay, well, now I really want some hot tea... 

You can't close Pandora's jug...

Read my father's journal from when he and my mother were trying to figure out if they wanted to stay apart or try to get back together.  Sometimes you just have to delve into the dark world of the past to understand more about your self.  Just wish... never mind....

Wow, so the booze store has my favorite wine on sale!  I'm so enjoying this shit!  Fuck is it awesome!  And besides, it's supposed to be healthy to have a glass or two of red wine in the evening... of course I drink it in pint glasses... is that too much?

feeling like testicular jiggle!

Busy day with posting, so why not get moving with another post.  I was thinking today about crazy shit, and I was thinking about days gone past, and I was thinking about all the memories I don't remember often.

Like the one time I sat on a bench by the nature center by the school with some drunk chick I just met laying on me.  I petted her hair and watched her breath so my friend could sneak off, get high and then give the guy with the smoke a blow job.  All of these kids were two years younger that I was, and I wasn't even having sex yet.  I think I was fifteen... crazy shit.

Man, that night started one of the wildest rides in friendship I can remember.  Of course, I learned much from that whole experience.  In the end I figured out that if you don't try, you'll never know... and finding out much later that you fucked it up sucks donkey cock!

social accountability

What a serious title.  It's as though I have something really important to say.  But really, I was just going to say that I love seeing people get drunk.  Drunks are fun.

I loved that when I was a bartender.  And when drunk girls are offered free T-shirts, it gets even better.  That was fun.  I mean, we would get loads of stuff from liquor reps for party nights to toss out as prizes and shit, but we never gave a lot of it away.  Before I was in charge of the stuff, the previous bar manager horded the stuff and used it only for his own benefit.  (In other words, he wouldn't do laundry, he would just get another promo T)  So when I took over and saw the massive amount of shit we had, I gave every employee a shirt, and still had about four big boxes of shit.  So on college nights, I would grab about a dozen shirts and wait for the first hour to pass and then offer free T's for tits!  That was awesome!  Drunk college girls will get them out for free T's like nothing.

Of course, I often wonder if I would just randomly go out to bars and try to do it now... would I get to see titties?

There is a rule that I figured out at one point in time:  If you never ask, you will never know.  What is the worst thing that will happen if you ask?  Usually, the worst is they say "no."

Bitter cold day...

Today is bitingly cold!  I know at some point I have to go for groceries, but I know full well that I do not want to.  Hell, I'm cold right here in my home with the heat on and my robe around me... It's time for some hot tea!

Of course, if you walk into my kitchen right now it's much colder.  I need to cook something to warm it up since I have this tenancy not to turn on the heat in that room.  It just seems kind of pointless considering that the room is in the far corner and is only really used to prepare food.  So, when I cook, I wash dishes and clean as it warms up, but otherwise, I don't make excuses to go in there.

But I do need to make tea... so I debate... do I go in, clean while the tea is brewing and steeping, or just wait for the whistling to signal that the tea is ready?  I think I should clean... the post holiday cookie thing has left the kitchen a disaster!

If only I could bottle up and store the heat from the middle of summer when I wanted nothing more than to avoid cooking in the kitchen because it would get so hot that I wouldn't be able to eat anything from heat exhaustion.  I would bottle it and now I would use a little at a time to keep the house warmer.

Oh well, until I'm a wizard I guess I just have to deal... wish I had someone to snuggle with to keep warm right now... but then I would never get any work done!