sick

So sick... of shit... Really. I'm sick of worrying about the loss of electricity in my home...  So I have lost electricity in this house twice in the past year, and all I think of is how many times I spent winters without heat... frozen clothes without a coat... I want to be better than my parents ... but I have clearly failed if I can't keep the electricity on...but have I failed?  
Wounded by words of ones I love... reminding me of why I refrain from making friends...
people you hold dear can hurt you intensely...

on the precipice of failure, it kills to rent asunder as such...

Things you can see...

So, it has been a while since I even thought to look at this blog.  It is still here.  huh... I guess I expected that.  I can also see that when I am not posting, no one reads.  Huh, no surprise there as well.  So here is a quick post for you to read something.  As well, if you follow my works at all, I have a new children's book out and you can check it out here! 

That being said, I am off (once again I will write this) to get some work done.

New looks change nothing

I've been at this crossroads of depression and forced motivation.  I really want to just get up, gorge on food, and then just sleep away the day.  Better yet, I could just read until I sleep and then wake to do the same in a cycle day after day.  Or I could just camp on the small couch that hurts my body to try to conform to it's shape as I try to veg out on it.  Really, all of these ideas are great.  To be honest, I would love to just lay in the hall and sleep so long as I could just not be bothered by anyone.

But the reasoning part of my mind knows that this is letting depression win and I would be not further to getting out of this hole I'm have found myself.  Of course, then as I work, I can't stop the thoughts of how nothing right now seems to be getting me out of that hole.  Then I start to wonder why I don't just give and and lay down.  Reason keeps me trying.  But reason begins to doubt the validity of trying.

So, when will one or the other become the voice of reason I decide to listen to?

And here we all are...

I have spent an enormous amount of time wasting my life sitting in this solitary chair doing little more but wonder what else I can look up here online.  I'm sure it is no surprise to know that I spend a fair amount of my time on Facebook.  Some of it is for the promoting of my shit, but mostly I just follow posts and look up articles that others post.

Occasionally I will get to wondering about someone on there that I have not actually seen in years and for the most part I had just dismissed them from my life as a person related to a time that has passed.  I think that is the beauty of the Facebook... You move on from one job to the next and eventually you barely recall the names, much-less faces of those you one worked with years ago in those jobs you had when you were just trying to get by.  Or maybe they were someone you would chat with in a class, though you never met outside of the occasional random coincidental meeting.  Either way, these are the people you easily dismissed from memory as you make new ones worth recalling from time to time.  These people find you on facebook, and now you have a connection again with them that seems to last.

Though it is simply a fine, thread like connection compared to your current, stronger connections, you now have a small window into the life of a person you would never have ever remembered for the remaining years of your life only a decade ago.  It's like the ghosts of your past have a way to reach you, and though most of the time the most interaction we may have with one another is a click on a "like" button on a picture or status update, it is still a tangible connection even if so slight.

But it really is just a glimpse.  These people get married and have children, and if you happen to miss the post about these items, you miss out.  You eventually notice they have children in their profile pictures.  Then you see that there may be a new person in the pics, but did they post that they went through a divorce?  And then one day they just aren't posting anymore.  Do you notice?  What happened to them?  They could have died in a car accident or suicide, but if you missed the post about it, you don't know.

And then, these ghosts of your past fade away.  Finally, after such an extended time of unnatural connection, you can finally be free of these people.  You may at some occasion wonder what happened to them if you meander through your "friends" list and see that their account is no longer active, or you may just click on the link if you have not seen their posts in a while only to find that their timeline had been abandoned some time ago.  But don't worry... there will always be more ghosts of your past that will keep on posting pics of their life that you could likely not care about.

Locked in

I'm going crazy locked in this apartment.  You really have no idea how nice it is to get out once in a while just to go for coffee, of a candy bar or just to go for a little walk until you can't.  It has been about a month since I've been stuck inside of my apartment, and already it's driving me mad.

Still, this is far better than the alternative, I'm sure.

I'm bored a lot.  I'm not a person who plays video games much.  I enjoy movies and TV to a point, but get bored quickly.  I have work to do with comics and writing, not to mention cleaning and other shit like that, but I get bored after so long.  There is little break from it.  I can read, of course, but there is this sinking depression from not having a job and an anxiety about everything going on that makes me just wish to sleep through the day.  So, I find that I am limiting the reading time because it lapses into nap time.

So, for a few minutes, here I write a blog to alleviate a few minutes of boredom...  and now I'm bored with this...

And, well, yup...

So, it has been quiet some time since I bothered to get back to this.  Here I am.  Really, I should make time to do more of these since I really have tons of time to waste.  I'm stuck here in my house with electronic shackles.  It's kind of an interesting experience that I am happy to say could have been so much worse.

It will be a summer of suck.  I mean, I like to get out once in a while, but that just won't be an option.  On the upside, I've managed to get this house to an almost manageable level of order and am almost ready to get back to cooking shows.  That will be a great thing for me, really.  I am more than excited about that.  And my son.  Currently, he's making a board game and explaining the same details every chance he gets.  And Spaceballs is playing in the background.

Other things in the works are the comics that seem to be going well.  I've managed to keep ahead with DSB and have begun working on a new one about a place filled with boobs.  (find that here)  And I've been working on the children's book.  Illustrations have started to be planned and I'm planning on getting some colors worked out in the next week.

I suppose I should really try to get some of the editing done on the couple of complete books to get them out.  My hope is to get the books done and out by fall.  As I have little else to do without a job right now, it seems like the best idea.

Okay, well, this was brief... I'm being beckoned to try playing this new game my son made.  Okay, out now...

What the fuck happened to me?

I pride myself on the ability to be knowledgeable... I fucked up... Okay, so long and short of it is, I got popped for DUI... 2nd... okay, Ignorance says it will be cool... but not really... reality states that I have 90 day incarceration... 45 in jail, 45 house arrest... I can't eat or sleep... I feel nausea all the time.
I blame my self.  (obviously)  My personal depression had me feeling that oddly invincible idea that I could hit the rest button any time... sadly Reset=oblivion... so I am not exactly ready to do that.  I am pretty sure that it has directly to do with my wife and children.  Personal extinction would be easy but for them.

At this moment, what terrifies me most is that my children will miss me.  (there is a trite part of thinking that my wife will leave me or cheat on me in my absence, but I am hoping that in a mature mind that comprehends what has occurred that she will stand by me, as our vows dictated.)

I always preach that you must face the consequences of your actions, and though I am terrified, I will not indulge in my fantasy of escape.  I must do what I must do.  I have tried to find solace in other accounts of incarceration, but sadly Oscar Wilde is the first to come to mind.  Perhaps this will not be such a dramatic end to myself as perhaps an awakening to something new about me.  I have often thrived to find new views and meanings into life, and maybe this will be one that I was afraid to try but in force will embrace.

There is a detrimental positivism about my way of thinking that tries to find a positive in every negative...  we shall see...

this is a distraction

How long do I let this go before writing in this again?  How long do I fucking forget about this?  And then I feel guilty about not writing here?  No, not really.  I feel like I should maintain this better, but I probably won't.

Okay, enough about that shit.  I have been suffering what I would call a lack of motivation.  Is it depression?  Who fucking knows.All I know is that I have been starting to revise and edit what will likely be the next book that I will unleash upon the world.  Perhaps this will explain why I'm writing here.  This is a distraction form a tedious task that I am not always happy when I doing.  First off, I have to remain sober, and that fucking sucks.  Secondly, I'm looking at the past of my work and seeing that after years of work, I am not making a fucking penny off of my work.  I mean, sure I sell books, but if I did the math I think I would find that I make about .0001 cent per hour of work per year of sales compared to work.

Sobriety and tea... really, if I could make a nice living just writing, I would be fine with the work part.  I mean, being creative and making the first draft is fun, and the best part.  After that, even if some of the book was work to write in the first place, I now have nearly another year's worth of revising and editing before the book is anywhere near ready to be printed.

Okay, distraction over for now...

Why must I keep reading that comic?

Okay, so there is a webcomic that I found, and I keep reading it.  First off, the art is not amazing in my opinion, but then any art that is consistent is amazing since I suck at that.  Second, the story is all sorts of romantic... not my flavor of much of anything unless it's fucked up.  But then, that might be it....
The story is about a young female human/dog hybrid.  She is at a new job and meets a guy and they date.
Okay, so are you wondering about the Hybrid part?  The story is that some science people made dog-people.  After a very brief term of racial issue, they become part of society.  I suppose what first interested me in this idea is that I was interested in the idea of social commentary about the new breed of humanoid trying to adjust to bigotry and such.  But none of that exists.  It is pretty straight forward getting on to the "getting it on."
On top of the fact that I was hoping for a much deeper story, I have to say that for a comic that is based off of the sex thing, the dog/people chicks are boring.  They don't have tits that are worth looking at, nor do they have six nipples.  So basically, the animal-person looks like an eight year old girl... um, not even sexually appealing.
So why do I keep going back?  Am I looking for something in this comic?  Nope... pretty sure I'm just fucking twisted and want to see how weird it will get...

The return of the prodigal...

Funny, but I spelled prodigal correctly the first time and then changed it because I was sure that I had it wrong... but I was correct.
But that is not my reason for posting.  It's been a few months since I have bothered to post.  It's been a bit of an up and down.  Mostly, I was drinking.  I would love to say that this drinking was something I was enjoying, but most of what I was drinking was shit and I was just doing it to keep from the sober life.  This was causing a lot of problems, as you well imagine.  So, as much as I wanted to get work done, I was just making a little bit here and there just to keep my presence known.
I have since been able to break the shakes and now am back to enjoying the drinking, not just the effect.  Slowly I am returning to my busy schedule and being productive.  But now I am hungry and want a sandwich... I'll keep this updated as things progress...

kids as friends...?

As I always brag, I do not really have friends.  To be honest, there are a few... perhaps four people in this world who I would say are true and tried friends.  Most of the other people who would call themselves my friend are acquaintances that I currently have.  Many of them will vanish from my life when I stop seeing them on a regular basis at work.  People come and go in life, and I'm good with this.  For this reason, I keep vigilant about who I let become close to me.  Rarely do I tell people aspects of my personal life that I keep closely guarded.
I refuse to get close enough to people that I feel comfortable in sharing.  I mean, this may seem like an odd thing to think about as most people who know me seem to feel that I am extremely open and share more about myself than most would dare to say.  Really, I am outspoken and I think there is a perverse thing in me that enjoys telling people things simply to shock them.  What I do not share is much deeper than the bull shit I post and say.
Recently I have become acquainted with some very young kids.  To be honest, they are adults, but only just as they are eighteen and nineteen.  So basically, they're kids.  One of these kids in particular has for some reason become rather interested in me.  I wouldn't say it is an attraction romantically, but rather an intense interest to make me one of her friends.  At first I took it as a joking idea, but she's become much more intent over the few months we've known each other.  To be honest, I find myself mildly enjoying the time we spend working together and the several times we have chatted outside of work.
Through her and I getting to better know each other, I have been wrangled into chatting and spending time with yet another kid.  And then another.  Now there is a trio of these girls who seem very interested in getting to be my friend.
But after all this time of removing myself from the world just enough to avoid these kinds of friendships, I suddenly find myself being circled by these young kids who would like nothing more to be my friend.  In my mind, I am flattered that these kids find me so interesting.  But the question remains: Could I really accept the idea of making any of these very young girls (literally half my age!) a friend like I would call one of the four who I now call Friend?

As an avid reader of EVIL!

So, I am a huge fan of Anton LaVey.  I should mention this for some reason that I may not really be aware of at this moment.   Regardless, I made the statement.  I'll say that I do not always concur with his philosophies, but I do regard his rather atheistic ideals to be solid.  I truly love the nine satanic statements, and believe that they hold truer that the ideals of the ten commandments of Moses.  Really, I would like to focus on the idea of smiting the cheek.
You know, at one point in time, the god of the old testament was pretty fucking mean!  I mean that he was the kind of god who just decided to fuck an entire nation because he felt that he was not being paid enough attention.  Whooosh!  Flood, and you are all fucking dead!  And this is only one example.  Then there is the salt of Lot's wife and that bull shit that still today is used to perpetuate hate to others from a theology that preaches love... and so on...
Yup, I rather prefer the pretty simple and forward ideals of Anton LaVey when he just simply states, in a nut shell, if it is good for you then it is good for you.  Though I am a vehemist (is this a new word... could I start a religion from this idea?) in the fact that I believe that if one intentionally does wrong to you that you should do harm to them in such a capacity to prevent them from harming you ever again.  Now, I am not implying such means as murder or such, even though I feel strongly that there are many a person who has done such wrongs that they should be executed as that would be the only logical prevention from doing harm to others again.  (because seriously, if someone is fucked up to rape and murder innocent people, what reform do we really hope will happen by a lifetime of incarceration?)
I guess, what I'm saying is that there are people who are learning to become leaches on society and future douche-bags... teach them now that they will suffer for their asinine behavior...
but seriously, I may be pissed off and kinda drunk... so... I'll just have another shot for now!

Three months of not good...

So it is that time of the year when I pretty much lose my wife to the tax season.  Three months is a long time to go without a little you know what... not looking forward to it.

I'll try to keep busy, but what it really comes down to is trying not to drink myself into oblivion over the next months while I wait.  Lets be honest, if I can't fuck, then I want to be drunk.  (I would love to have both, but sobriety is okay when your inside)  Oh well.  Just need to keep busy...

first post of the new year!

Yup!  here it is!  The very first blog post here for 2013!!!  This is IT!  Number one for the year... yup...

Ah... X-mas season insanity

Once again I am in the position that I put myself in almost every year at this time.  There are shows at least once a week, with a rehearsal at least once a week, with the pressure of trying to buy/create x-mas presents, my x-mas story that needs to post daily, and still manage to get enough sleep to function at work.  Add that to the normal cleaning of house, feeding of family and so on, it's just fucking nuts!

Sadly, when this all comes down on my at once, I find that I make sacrifices.  The house hasn't been cleaned in about two weeks.  Dishes are piling high.  I'm having trouble sleeping, and it just feels like nothing is getting done.  I've come to the point in my x-mas story that I am finishing each day's post in the afternoon when I was to have it posted.

Today I am off from everything.  This will pretty much be the last time this will happen until after the actual holiday.  So, my list today includes getting caught up and even ahead if I can.  I MUST clean today.  I have a tombstone to build and paint.  I want to get pages of my story finished and be back ahead.

So, another day of sobriety to get these goals accomplished.  First, a shower is needed.  Then I'll figure the rest of my day.  And with that, I'm off!

Oh, and check out my x-mas story if you have not already!  Where the fuck is Santa?

numb hands

Okay, so I website that I checked out suggested that I need to learn to type without letting my hands rest of the desk... damn, it's not as easy as I hoped, but it's not uncomfortable.  In fact, i feel that I just need to practice this to break the habit.  Funny, but I find that I am now using my thumbs to rest my hands... hmmm? I guess I'll have to work on that.  Kinda lazy.  Now my arm is getting tired...

this will be an interesting journey... or should i just give up?  nope, not yet.

as I clean....

So much to get done while trying to maintain a house that is passable as clean.  On the positive side of things, I have managed to post another of my books for kindle.  The ElaStic was kind of a crazy short story about a crazy person with crazy fucking ideas... kinda crazy story, too.  Now, I just wait for it to become available on amazon...

Okay, cleaning and thinking about what more to say...

Of course, now I have laundry in the dryer, kids off to school, and I did a bit of cleaning... I feel like drinking and looking up porn... likely not the best idea since then I will feel tired and still need to get things done... hmmm, what to do?

i guess I should think about this over a cocktail?

Become a writer and be a penny-less vagabond!

I have been through a few stages in my life when I have been totally broke and scarping together just enough cash to buy a bar of soap or to get some toilet paper.  I have known times when I haven't any money for anything but mac and cheese without the milk for dinner.  I have been broke enough that I have learned to stomach Ramen noodles for days on end.  I have evaded landlords and waked or taken the bike to places because I don't have money for gas.  I have lived with out power for a week until the next paycheck comes in and I could pay the bill to get my power again.

These times were difficult, and they were certainly not pleasant.  I would love to say that they were character building, but even that I'm not so sure about.  I has taught me to be careful with my finances to avoid these situations.  I have come to appreciate the need to abstain from unnecessary expenses for frivolous items I desire.  I have done without again and again for the sake of avoiding the pitfall of becoming destitute again.

So why is it that I am at the very precipice of this again?  You see, I may be very disciplined with financial restraint, but I find that most people are not.  The biggest difference of my lessons I have learned is that no one came to bail me out.  When I was stuck, I had to fix it.  The funny thing about it all is that when I lived alone, I had no problem not only staying on top of my finances, but I always seemed to manage to have quite a surplus.

I have now been married twice. My first wife had parents who were successful with a business.  They would bail her out again and again, though they would hold it over her afterwards.  I can not describe the pure bliss of leaving that whole situation.  By the time I got out of that one, we had been living in a house that they owned.  I would rather not go into details about how that effected the marriage, but obviously you can draw your own ideas as the marriage ended in divorce.

Now I am married to a woman who has been treated as the special one all her life and given everything when she needed it and never had the opportunity to learn how to fix her own problems.  What was it that inspired me to enter into a long term relationship with this woman?  As they say, love makes us fools.  Regardless, things have been on the edge for a time, I suppose.  But now, it has come to the point where every penny is needed to keep from getting further into a hole that has opened up under our feet.

This is a place I despise to be in.  But I suppose I have chosen the paths that have lead me here.  I have chosen the profession of a writer, and I make almost no money from that.  I have a job, but seeing as I am not "skilled" in many fields, I do what I must.  Sadly that means that I am making barely any money there.  My wife does have some college background, but she claims to have chosen a field of study that does not actually help her to get any viable job.  Okay, I can live on peanuts.  I have my children, I have a lot of comforts that most of the world's population does without.  I can live paycheck to paycheck, so long as I can manage it.  Sadly, the need for a newer vehicle has broken the fragile thread that we were maintaining from paycheck to paycheck.

Well, this really is a gripe post this time... oh well.  I needed to vent a little.  If it helps you feel better about your life, then good.  Of course, you could always help out by buying one of my books.

been a month... what a month!

It's been a whole month and a couple of days since the last time I decided to write something in  this blog.  I suppose if this were a Catholic Confession, I would begin with, "Forgive me father for I have sinned.  It has been about 32 days since my last confession..."  But I'm not Catholic.  (well, not any more.  They tried to raise me that way, but I didn't quite conform.  Though, I'm told that once you are Catholic, you always are.  In that case, I'm recovering.)

I would love to type that I have been very busy working hard on a variety of things that I was to be working on, but that would be a fairly substantial lie.  In fact, I've done about nothing this past month in terms of working for anything of my own projects.  This has largely to do with being pulled in several directions, finding myself in a bout of depression and aggravation leading me to the bottle who has been ever vigilant over my free time.

The month started with a return to a childhood memory and a reconnecting with my grandfather who had influenced me in ways I am still realizing.  I also had a very profound conversation with myself on a very long walk that humbled me considerably in some terms.  Unfortunately, in the mess of life at the beginning of this month, my wife and I mostly skipped celebrating the Anniversary of out wedding.  I had planned to delay a small celebration of this event a week later when thing would have calmed down, but as it turned out, my grandfather fell over from a stroke only three days after saying good-bye to him.  He never came back to us and finally succumbed nearly a week later.

His passing marks a moment when one generation of my family has gone from me on that side of the family as my grandmother died over a year ago.  Understand that I realized when she passed that he would not be long as they had been together for 61 years.  When a couple is so entwined, it seems inevitable that they would not wait long to join their beloved who have gone before them.  Non-the-less, it was an event that I am slightly saddened about, and for very selfish reasons.  I had not really been in contact with my extended family for years, and it seems that I have reconnected just in time to say goodbye.

So, with retrospect and a certain level of desired numbness, I turned to the one thing that seems to always be there for me when the humans around me have failed to be there.  Bottle after bottle had been consumed, and sadly as I have a tight budget at this time, the bottles have been cheep.

Only a few days ago there was a service for Pop-pop.  This month has been a cold one for me, and I am eager to move on.  I'm sipping at my tea, thinking about what I should do now.  This blog is only once piece of my desire to get back to work.  I have loads of things to get done in the next couple of days.  For now, I'm hoping to just keep out of the bottle and enjoy the tea.  My soul has been weighted by frustration and anger, sadness and exhaustion; it's time to get up and move again.

That said, I'm going to finish this long ass blog and start rummaging through my unfinished works.

hurry up and, oh, not yet...

Chilling out here, suddenly feeling tired as I wait to head to the day job.  Listening to Old Crow Medicine Show and thinking that I should be productive in some manner, but I honestly just don't give a shit.  What I really want to do is get back into bed and sleep for another few days.

It's funny how a vacation can wreck your schedule.  I went away with the family for a week, or nearly, and came home last Friday.  I still feel like my internal schedule is in shambles.  Though the vacation was worth it.  I feel relaxed a bit, and then I find myself instantly overwhelmed with the daily shit I need to worry about in my life.  There are three dresses hanging here that i need to do some minor adjustments on that I just haven't been able to motivate myself to get to.  Well, I have no choice on the matter.  Today, I will get the work done as I have to make another kilt by Friday.

And then there is the realization that there are just over three months to got before X-mas.  How should I deal with my marketing this year?  I mean, the books are there, and I'm not sure I will have much in the way of new material, much to my aggravation.  As for my Etsy site, I feel it looks naked and I haven't had much time to fill it with much.  I have some ideas for new projects to put more products into my shop, but that requires time, motivation and a little scratch to get a few supplies.

And that's a big one for me right now.  You know, I met a young lad who is working on a college degree and was introduced to me because he shares my ambition to be a fiction writer.  After a brief conversation, I explained to this young lad that unless he wished to struggle to pay the bills, he should make sure that he gets something more out of his college experience that he can run with to make some money.  Let me tell you, these next few months are going to get really tight for me as the bills keep coming and the paychecks are getting no larger.  On top of that, the reserve from the tax return is about out, so things will get really tight as we need to make it all on what we can get.

But I suppose it's not all that bad.  As I said, I have some projects in the works.  I'm thinking of doing a T-shirt or two as well.  Though I would need to buy more screen and... well, we'll see.  Okay, I need to get one thing done before I head to work.  '

If nothing else, at least I posted a blog today!