it's not funny!

So, there's a joke i like to tell: A young couple is getting married.  At the alter, the bride and groom are smiling from ear to ear.  You know why they are smiling?

That young man is marrying the woman who gives the best blow jobs he has ever had in his entire life...

The young bride is smiling because she knows she will never have to give her man another blowjob for the rest of her life.

Did you laugh or chuckle?  If you did, did you suddenly feel a pang in your chest with the realization that this is true?  I know I do every time I tell this joke...

Horny frogs...

Remember that all the noises you year animals make at night mean they are trying to get laid.

I always enjoy the idea that it's considered a romantic gesture to give someone you like the sexual organs of plants.  And if you have plant allergies, it's because you are actually allergic to plant semen.  And if you park under a maple tree and find in the morning that there is a thin yellow layer all over your car, consider that the tree had cum all over your car.

With that in mind, I realize a whole lot of other things.  Like how delicious eggs are unfertilized chicken embryos.  Eh, but I still want them fried up with that gooey yellow center to dip my toast into what would have been the protein of the chicken fetus if it should have been fertile.

Okay, I'm off to make breakfast!

I Love Catch-22!

I love to read.  I read a lot.  But I don't read enough.  I think one of my favorite books of all time was Catch-22.  You know the best part about the book is that it was supposed to be catch-18.  But there was something about the number 18 being in something else that year, so they went with the second silliest number Heller could think of.

I've always loved reading books with sex in it.  I loved it in high school, because I would sit there in study hall and read all the steamy details and then think about the fact that everyone else around me wasn't even thinking about sex like I was reading.  Nothing like romance novels, but there seemed to always be a scene in most of the Koontz books that I was reading at the time.  Especially that one where the guy had all sorts of fetishes and a drug to hypnotize people.  Man did I want a drug to hypnotize people.

I have to admit that I spent a lot of time thinking about that.  Of course, had I planned ahead in my life, I would have saved all my money I spent on the recording equipment and instruments to invest in my future to buy kinky prostitutes and moved to LasVegas.  Oh well, hind sight 20/20.

But now I just have high speed internet and streaming porn!  But seriously, you should read Catch-22!

Thinking about titties...

I don't know how many of you are in a relationship with someone, but let me tell you that it sucks after a while no matter how good it is to start with.  The problem is, when it's all new it's like a shiny new car.  New face, new body, new things to diddle with... but it eventually just becomes the same after a while.  I mean, there's things you can do to add some fun to it now and again, but even that can draw out to just being another routine.  After a while, you just roll over and fuck because you just want to have sex.  If and when you climax, you feel good about it, but it's nothing like the original conquest.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that you find your partner any less attractive.  It doesn't matter how sexy you find your partner, they are still the same person time and time again.  Of course, this can be good in some ways.  It's like a baseball glove you've had for years that just fits so well and feels good to put around your flesh... um, you get what I mean.

The biggest downfall of getting familiar with your partner is that there is less desire to fuck like rabbits any time you get.  I mean, I remember a time when me and mine would have sex any chance we could, day or night.  Hell, four in the morning was fun, too!   Now if I tried to wake her up at 4 am, I get yelled at because sleep has become much more important than orgasms.

My spider plant has flowers...

Who knew?  I didn't.

As I look back on my life, as I sometimes do, I usually start with the things I wish I had done. Often this is more like a collection of people I wish I had done.  I think now and again about this one girl in particular that I turned down for the simple reason of her openness with her sexual conquests.  But then again, most of the girls at the time that I knew were of the similar philosophy.

There was a night when I offered to take her home... I seem to recall another night a week or two before that night, when she offered to give me a blow job since the only girl I had been with up to that point wasn't into that. I declined.  But it was the first thing on my mind when she got into my car after a night at the club.  The plan changed from driving her home that night to waiting for the following day to take her to her mother's work.  So she was going to stay with me that night.

I lived in the basement at my mother's house at this time, and there was this long outdoor couch in my room then.  She tried to entice me into a bit of the ol' in-n-out... but I was not really wanting to because I was terrified what I may get having sex with her.  Instead, we fell asleep on each other on the sofa.  I think we kissed a couple of times, and I remember really wanting to... but....

Well, years later, I happened upon her on the Facebook, and though we did not become friends, she joined the group in support of my first nationally published book.  I clicked to check out her profile, and wow!  There were a couple of pics of her in some rather erotic clothes, and I suddenly regretted deeply that I passed up the opportunity to have some fun with her back in the day.  Damn is she still sexy!  Oh, well.

Well, life happens and passes... enjoy it while your there!

Ahhh, the first time...

What do you think about when you think about the first time you ever had sex? I remember clearly all the things I thought about then. It was late, it was a chick I just met, she was drinking, I had a condom given to me by her sister in law, and The Wall was playing in the background.

I was actually in love with this other girl who I was so infatuated with that I had no idea what to do about it. I wasn't sure if the other girl felt quit as I did, but the couple of evenings that seemed to be so brief but so intense kissing in the corner of her room were all I could think of... well, and the fact that I totally fucked it all up by wanting to much too fast...

And so, there I was, in this attic space with this chick I had just met who I was informed by her brother's wife was a "Sure thing" for me. And she was.

As Pink Floyd played through the air and I found myself in the tangled of inexperienced sex, I had so many thoughts in my head. Thoughts like: "I've finally done it!" "So this is what it feels like?" "Oh how I love tits!" and "I should have taken my boots off." I had sex with the same chick two more times the next day, and I had my boots off for those... I have to say that the second time on the couch was awesome!

After we were done having sex on the couch, we turned on the TV and found out what the world was finding out... Kurt Cobain had been found dead... and so, I have a clear date to remember of the first time I finally had sex, the top goal in my life since I was nine and figured out that it was a thing people did!

the black hole called web comix

So, I'm chilly and in need of just curling up with a good book in a fluffy blanket and maybe something delicious, like alfredo and wine... or just a nice bottle of whiskey.  Oh, hell, a cheep bottle of whiskey would do just as well.  Winter brings out the manic depressive drunk in me... unless there's snow.

I've been slowly chipping away at writing this book, and it's about to take a turn.  More action coming soon!  Yeah!

Last night's bottle emptying was good.  I went to bed peacefully and had weird dreams... mostly anxiety dreams.  At least it's not the sex dreams.  I always hate those.  See, in my sex dreams, I keep getting really close to having  sex, and then something gets in the way of it actually happening.  Like one dream, years ago, I was about to have sex with this really hot chick I worked with.  I had talked her into it, and she agreed, but I couldn't find a condom anywhere.  She wouldn't have sex without it, and I had no idea where one was.  When I finally found one, she changed her mind.

That's not the first time I had that dream... and it happened in real life to me twice.  Once I was trying to break it off with this one chick and I was in bed with another, and I over thought what I was doing until she said we shouldn't.  The other time, she was okay with it until i said something that made her mad and she stopped me.  Eh... fucking dreams come true... not always so good.