Ah... X-mas season insanity

Once again I am in the position that I put myself in almost every year at this time.  There are shows at least once a week, with a rehearsal at least once a week, with the pressure of trying to buy/create x-mas presents, my x-mas story that needs to post daily, and still manage to get enough sleep to function at work.  Add that to the normal cleaning of house, feeding of family and so on, it's just fucking nuts!

Sadly, when this all comes down on my at once, I find that I make sacrifices.  The house hasn't been cleaned in about two weeks.  Dishes are piling high.  I'm having trouble sleeping, and it just feels like nothing is getting done.  I've come to the point in my x-mas story that I am finishing each day's post in the afternoon when I was to have it posted.

Today I am off from everything.  This will pretty much be the last time this will happen until after the actual holiday.  So, my list today includes getting caught up and even ahead if I can.  I MUST clean today.  I have a tombstone to build and paint.  I want to get pages of my story finished and be back ahead.

So, another day of sobriety to get these goals accomplished.  First, a shower is needed.  Then I'll figure the rest of my day.  And with that, I'm off!

Oh, and check out my x-mas story if you have not already!  Where the fuck is Santa?

numb hands

Okay, so I website that I checked out suggested that I need to learn to type without letting my hands rest of the desk... damn, it's not as easy as I hoped, but it's not uncomfortable.  In fact, i feel that I just need to practice this to break the habit.  Funny, but I find that I am now using my thumbs to rest my hands... hmmm? I guess I'll have to work on that.  Kinda lazy.  Now my arm is getting tired...

this will be an interesting journey... or should i just give up?  nope, not yet.

as I clean....

So much to get done while trying to maintain a house that is passable as clean.  On the positive side of things, I have managed to post another of my books for kindle.  The ElaStic was kind of a crazy short story about a crazy person with crazy fucking ideas... kinda crazy story, too.  Now, I just wait for it to become available on amazon...

Okay, cleaning and thinking about what more to say...

Of course, now I have laundry in the dryer, kids off to school, and I did a bit of cleaning... I feel like drinking and looking up porn... likely not the best idea since then I will feel tired and still need to get things done... hmmm, what to do?

i guess I should think about this over a cocktail?

Become a writer and be a penny-less vagabond!

I have been through a few stages in my life when I have been totally broke and scarping together just enough cash to buy a bar of soap or to get some toilet paper.  I have known times when I haven't any money for anything but mac and cheese without the milk for dinner.  I have been broke enough that I have learned to stomach Ramen noodles for days on end.  I have evaded landlords and waked or taken the bike to places because I don't have money for gas.  I have lived with out power for a week until the next paycheck comes in and I could pay the bill to get my power again.

These times were difficult, and they were certainly not pleasant.  I would love to say that they were character building, but even that I'm not so sure about.  I has taught me to be careful with my finances to avoid these situations.  I have come to appreciate the need to abstain from unnecessary expenses for frivolous items I desire.  I have done without again and again for the sake of avoiding the pitfall of becoming destitute again.

So why is it that I am at the very precipice of this again?  You see, I may be very disciplined with financial restraint, but I find that most people are not.  The biggest difference of my lessons I have learned is that no one came to bail me out.  When I was stuck, I had to fix it.  The funny thing about it all is that when I lived alone, I had no problem not only staying on top of my finances, but I always seemed to manage to have quite a surplus.

I have now been married twice. My first wife had parents who were successful with a business.  They would bail her out again and again, though they would hold it over her afterwards.  I can not describe the pure bliss of leaving that whole situation.  By the time I got out of that one, we had been living in a house that they owned.  I would rather not go into details about how that effected the marriage, but obviously you can draw your own ideas as the marriage ended in divorce.

Now I am married to a woman who has been treated as the special one all her life and given everything when she needed it and never had the opportunity to learn how to fix her own problems.  What was it that inspired me to enter into a long term relationship with this woman?  As they say, love makes us fools.  Regardless, things have been on the edge for a time, I suppose.  But now, it has come to the point where every penny is needed to keep from getting further into a hole that has opened up under our feet.

This is a place I despise to be in.  But I suppose I have chosen the paths that have lead me here.  I have chosen the profession of a writer, and I make almost no money from that.  I have a job, but seeing as I am not "skilled" in many fields, I do what I must.  Sadly that means that I am making barely any money there.  My wife does have some college background, but she claims to have chosen a field of study that does not actually help her to get any viable job.  Okay, I can live on peanuts.  I have my children, I have a lot of comforts that most of the world's population does without.  I can live paycheck to paycheck, so long as I can manage it.  Sadly, the need for a newer vehicle has broken the fragile thread that we were maintaining from paycheck to paycheck.

Well, this really is a gripe post this time... oh well.  I needed to vent a little.  If it helps you feel better about your life, then good.  Of course, you could always help out by buying one of my books.

been a month... what a month!

It's been a whole month and a couple of days since the last time I decided to write something in  this blog.  I suppose if this were a Catholic Confession, I would begin with, "Forgive me father for I have sinned.  It has been about 32 days since my last confession..."  But I'm not Catholic.  (well, not any more.  They tried to raise me that way, but I didn't quite conform.  Though, I'm told that once you are Catholic, you always are.  In that case, I'm recovering.)

I would love to type that I have been very busy working hard on a variety of things that I was to be working on, but that would be a fairly substantial lie.  In fact, I've done about nothing this past month in terms of working for anything of my own projects.  This has largely to do with being pulled in several directions, finding myself in a bout of depression and aggravation leading me to the bottle who has been ever vigilant over my free time.

The month started with a return to a childhood memory and a reconnecting with my grandfather who had influenced me in ways I am still realizing.  I also had a very profound conversation with myself on a very long walk that humbled me considerably in some terms.  Unfortunately, in the mess of life at the beginning of this month, my wife and I mostly skipped celebrating the Anniversary of out wedding.  I had planned to delay a small celebration of this event a week later when thing would have calmed down, but as it turned out, my grandfather fell over from a stroke only three days after saying good-bye to him.  He never came back to us and finally succumbed nearly a week later.

His passing marks a moment when one generation of my family has gone from me on that side of the family as my grandmother died over a year ago.  Understand that I realized when she passed that he would not be long as they had been together for 61 years.  When a couple is so entwined, it seems inevitable that they would not wait long to join their beloved who have gone before them.  Non-the-less, it was an event that I am slightly saddened about, and for very selfish reasons.  I had not really been in contact with my extended family for years, and it seems that I have reconnected just in time to say goodbye.

So, with retrospect and a certain level of desired numbness, I turned to the one thing that seems to always be there for me when the humans around me have failed to be there.  Bottle after bottle had been consumed, and sadly as I have a tight budget at this time, the bottles have been cheep.

Only a few days ago there was a service for Pop-pop.  This month has been a cold one for me, and I am eager to move on.  I'm sipping at my tea, thinking about what I should do now.  This blog is only once piece of my desire to get back to work.  I have loads of things to get done in the next couple of days.  For now, I'm hoping to just keep out of the bottle and enjoy the tea.  My soul has been weighted by frustration and anger, sadness and exhaustion; it's time to get up and move again.

That said, I'm going to finish this long ass blog and start rummaging through my unfinished works.

hurry up and, oh, not yet...

Chilling out here, suddenly feeling tired as I wait to head to the day job.  Listening to Old Crow Medicine Show and thinking that I should be productive in some manner, but I honestly just don't give a shit.  What I really want to do is get back into bed and sleep for another few days.

It's funny how a vacation can wreck your schedule.  I went away with the family for a week, or nearly, and came home last Friday.  I still feel like my internal schedule is in shambles.  Though the vacation was worth it.  I feel relaxed a bit, and then I find myself instantly overwhelmed with the daily shit I need to worry about in my life.  There are three dresses hanging here that i need to do some minor adjustments on that I just haven't been able to motivate myself to get to.  Well, I have no choice on the matter.  Today, I will get the work done as I have to make another kilt by Friday.

And then there is the realization that there are just over three months to got before X-mas.  How should I deal with my marketing this year?  I mean, the books are there, and I'm not sure I will have much in the way of new material, much to my aggravation.  As for my Etsy site, I feel it looks naked and I haven't had much time to fill it with much.  I have some ideas for new projects to put more products into my shop, but that requires time, motivation and a little scratch to get a few supplies.

And that's a big one for me right now.  You know, I met a young lad who is working on a college degree and was introduced to me because he shares my ambition to be a fiction writer.  After a brief conversation, I explained to this young lad that unless he wished to struggle to pay the bills, he should make sure that he gets something more out of his college experience that he can run with to make some money.  Let me tell you, these next few months are going to get really tight for me as the bills keep coming and the paychecks are getting no larger.  On top of that, the reserve from the tax return is about out, so things will get really tight as we need to make it all on what we can get.

But I suppose it's not all that bad.  As I said, I have some projects in the works.  I'm thinking of doing a T-shirt or two as well.  Though I would need to buy more screen and... well, we'll see.  Okay, I need to get one thing done before I head to work.  '

If nothing else, at least I posted a blog today!

Ah, the bliss of laziness...

So, I gave myself a month to catch up with life and maybe get some writing done.  To this end, I put the blogs and such on hold for a month, and even took a few weeks to make filler cooking shows.  I have to admit that in the month that I gave myself, I've done nothing to prepare for getting back into the swing of my busy schedule.

I had thought that I would enjoy the time with building a back up of recipes and blog posts so that I could take it easy for some time.  This of course didn't happen.  What did happen was that I found my brain enjoying the rest.

As I look forward to the next week when I will get back into the swing of things, I feel ready to get into the roll of it.  I have a brain full of ideas and I'm ready to get back to work.  In a way, this was a brilliant vacation for my mind.

But now, I'm really fucking hungry!  I am ready to eat something egg oriented.  I'm off!

to the public:

really, fuck off.  I'm dealing with this fucking depression in my life and I could probably give a fuck right now... unless you can make my wife not so pissed off that she hates me and won't touch me... then just move along.  

a poem for today... and my depression...

I wrote a poem about how my day ended:

The banks clock claimed it was 99 degrees
and my wife asked for steak on the grill, please
And as always I do what I need to appease 
Only wish I could be treated not like a fucking disease.

miles in the days...

Twice this week I went to my mother's to "help" with fixing up her property that she had let go into quite a bit of ruin.  At once point, there had been a pool.  Now, there is a swamp with the remains of the pool's walls caving in.  There was an old hot tub that has been rotting for years.  The whole wooden fence is about to fall over and can be smashed if my son kicks it.  The pond that was behind the pool area is now so overgrown that you wouldn't imagine a pond is there but for the small patch of algae fill puddle visible.  The entire pool area has been used for years as a place to let the dogs do their business, so the whole area smells like shit.

So, this describes the focus of work in the two days that I was there.  Firstly, she bought a new hot tub to replace the one she had.  The first thing she wanted to do was to "help her" move the old one out so the new one could be placed there.  I took a crowbar and ripped off the rotting wooden casing and had it down to just the shell.  I took the shell, and since there was no one there to help me at the time, tipped it on it's side and slid it 15 feet from where it was to where it now rests leaning against the side of the house.  It's out of the way, but let me just fucking say that that shit was fucking heavy!

I  set fire to small pieces of the wooden pieces in a pottered thing so as to dispose of that.  I think I drank about 8 beers through this process but was working to hard and it was too hot for the alcohol to take effect and I remained sober... oh well.

Her next task was to have me "help her" move the vinyl fencing she bought years ago to replace the decaying fence she has.  I pretty much moved it on my own with a little bit of help from my wife with the posts.  In all, my mother just played with the kids and drank.

Today she was only a slight bit more help.  I did the heavy stuff and she pressure washed where the new hot tub is going.  On the upside, I was paid.  Now, I'm fucking tired and just don't feel like doing a damn thing but have a drink and watch a movie...  of course I have to make dinner first and wash the dishes and water the plants and plant the bamboo and... oh, fuck!

Special Daze

I'm working on this groove of time scheduling... and it's a pain in the ass!  I have six minutes before I need to be in the shower.  The next few days I work, off, work, off and so on.  Hopefully, not only will it give me plenty of time to drink, but I'll get some work done here at the computer.

The thing is, I find the nice weather an enticing time to get shit done that i like to do.  The gardening thing is coming along nicely as I have built a fairly large collection of potted plants for the porch.  Hopefully there may be a house in our near future to move to so that we can set up some permanent gardens.  While we wait, I find myself interested in helping my mother get her shit together at her house.  She's let that gardening of hers go insanely wild.

(No, I still hate her and such, but it's not about that.  It's about having a project.  I enjoy it.)

We planted some stuff in a garden at her house so the kids can look forward to that every time we go out.  Not  saying we'll go out any more frequently... well, we probably will...

Okay, time's up.  Need to shower and get ready for my later shift today.

This is another piece of shit...

My sleep schedule seems to have been set that i can no longer sleep past 6 AM.  Okay, I can deal with this.  I think I constantly look tired.  Eh, again, I can deal with this.  Unfortunately I seem to be unable to stay away past 10 PM.  That kinda sucks on the nights before a day off.

Okay, so I'm tired.  No big deal.

I also stopped drinking coffee... why the fuck have I done that?  oh, that's right... I seem to have an elevated blood pressure issue.  Need to get some more exercise.  Really, I just need to get my bike ready for the weather and go for a ride now and again.  I keep saying I'll do this, but then I don't find time.  Then it rains and I say when it's not raining I'll do it.  Then I just sit here and work on other shit or look up porn and forget about it.  If nothing else, I can procrastinate.

End result, I'm hoping in the shower after I finish this to get washed up.  Then, get some dishes done and eat something.  I have to run to the grocery store.  Then, at some point today, I need to record a cooking show.  Yup... perhaps in between that and all the cleaning I always wish I could get done during the day, I'll get my bike out and do that shit.  Who knows.

I need to shower and eat, though... grumbly tummy tells me so...

What do you want from me, blood?

Starting again with the thought of trying to buy a house.  Well, it seems our credit has improved enough that we may be able to get the financial shit we need to start looking for a house.  Then, we have to actually find a house to call home.  I just hope it works this time.

And in other news... so, looking forward to doing this chef demo in a couple of weeks.  I ordered some books to sell.  It should be fun.  I'm just hoping to make them chuckle.

So I've been thinking about ideas for my cooking show.  Last night I looked up how to make fresh cheese curds so that I can make Poutine.  I suppose in a pinch I could just strain out cottage cheese, but eh... we'll see.

Okay, I really just want a nap now...

the grinding that refused to stop.

So... I have to be at work in about six or so hours and I can not sleep.  This is common to me when I don't drink.  The problem I have learned over the years that you exercise parts of your body and they become proficient in their intended activity.  Cyclists ride and work on their legs to ride faster.  Writers think.

Have you ever had to "brainstorm" in some class just to see what you could come up with?  I remember fellow students who were asked to brainstorm for ten minutes and it was an exercise in agony.  After ten minutes, they would have two or three ideas.  I would have about a dozen, mostly unintelligible as I was trying to get my pen to work as fast as my brain, accompanied with sub-ideas for each to take the original thought in a variety of directions.

It still works today.  I never stop coming up with things to write about.  Not all of it is worth my time to try to sit down and make something of it, but I jot down notes all the time just in case I want to remember the idea later.

unfortunately, when I'm trying to sleep, this process of idealizing every little thought continues.  I try to shut it down, but end up sinking deeper into my mind and to a place that is dark and dismal.  I begin to analyze things I wish to forget.  I fabricate scenarios, living out painful memories and ideas.  I fictionalize why people have hurt me with what i have to go on.  I find my heart loathing and grinding with pain and hatred.  Depression bleeds from my mind, and I find myself again in that place where I need to stop the brain from thinking.

There is a little dive bar just down the street.  The bartender there looks like he belongs there.  I walk in,  surrounded by people I would never fathom having conversations with as they are people who can easily entertain themselves with jocular competitions and mindless television.  I step up to the bar and wait my turn to be noticed.  I hold up three fingers and ask for three shots of whiskey.  The bartender repeats this back and I nod; though he no longer seems surprised.  He sets 3 small shot glasses before me and pours 3 shots to the rim.  I take one by one allowing no more that two seconds between each as he takes my cash to make change.  He returns, the whiskey is gone, and I take my change.  I leave a tip on the bar and I'm out the door.

I always return home and then wait for the subtle but gentle caresses of whiskey to slow down that darkened voice of my mind.  And now, I will again lay my head to my pillow and listen to the music of my choosing for the night and pray my mind will shut the fuck up so I can sleep...

The watering can of life and death

The other day, as I was in a dreary state, I went to piss.  From the darkening world outside of my window as evening was settling in, I saw flashing lights of emergency vehicles reflect off the blinds that prevent the outside world from watching me piss.  I peaked through the blinds and could just make out a collection of emergency vehicles not half a block away.  There was a fire truck with a bucket and boom that was raised into the tree that had only in the past month begun to grow it's spring foliage.  There were spotlights shining into the tree and that seemed to be the focus of whatever was going on.

My first amused thought was that a cat had been stuck in the tree.

What actually happened was that a woman had decided it was time to throw in the the towel and so she climbed nearly thirty or forty feet into the tree, tied a rope around a sturdy limb, tied the other end around her neck, and she dropped the few feet before it all went taught.  The story is that she told her husband she was going out for a quick walk and never came back.  The husband then went to look for her, sat on the bench under the tree and looked up.

On a completely unrelated note, I finally got my seeds for my exotic plants and planted them over the weekend.

Now would be the time...

Busy fucking month... ironically, there has only been one show, and not  much else to keep me occupied but my own work... but fuck has that been keeping me busy.

As well as work, my wife and I needed to buy a new (ish) car.  It's been one hell of a search and it's finally over.  This was especially a pain in my ass since I am not much of a car person, so I had no foundation on what I wanted to look for as others would start with an idea of getting a car they like.  For me, if I was to get a car I simply was interested in, it would have been an electric car.  But that is a bit out of our budget.

So I started with looking up what kind of pre-owned vehicles were worth buying.  Unfortunately, if the car is worth buying, the value is much higher.  Now I was looking at a car that was a bit out of our intended price range.  The search continued from lot to lot until we came to the last place I bought a pre-owned car about a decade ago.  As we looked through the many cars on the lot, we came upon a few that I actually had an interest in looking at, though the price was way over what we wished to spend.  But, I have to say the my curiosity got the best of me and soon we were test driving a hybrid Toyota Prius.

We were originally looking at Toyota cars because of the reliability and such.  As for the hybrid, well, it was a nice idea... but...  Before I knew it, I had fallen in like with the car.  My wife drove it and loved it.  Seeing as it was to be her next car, not mine, I asked her what she thought.  So with a heavy concern in my heart, I agreed to see what we could do to make payments for our new car.  The first offer was instantly a "no way!" The second offer was really pushing it, and I said so.  This time, they said they wouldn't be able to get another answer until the following bank day (Monday).  They let us take the car home and said we could finalize everything on Monday.

Unfortunately, with the schedules my wife and I have, she would go in first thing in the AM, and I would finish signing later in the afternoon.  When I went in, I signed papers agreeing to loan terms that were only just barely under what had been discussed.

Here I now sit, feeling the dread and fear of having yet another car loan.  I haven't had a car payment since the last one that got repossessed about 2 years ago.  I was okay with this.  Now, with the memories of the stress trying to pay off my last car wrought on my soul, I have entered into another soul crushing agreement.

If you happen to be a fan on my work and have been contemplating buying some of my work to support me, now would be a grand time to do so... just saying.

Oh, have I failed....

Never in my life have I been more frightened as I am at this moment.

I am so in love with a woman who is poised to leave me because I fucked up.

So long ago, I wished nothing more than to remove this woman from my life, and perhaps this is because I understood what I did not comprehend at the time.  I understood that this woman was as a virus to my heart, and she has enveloped my very soul with her essence.  I now can not imagine existing without her...

But I have destroyed so much in my own self centered anger.  As a young man who is confused and uncertain of the future, I lashed out to the closest victim I could find.  I reasoned that I was righteous in actions due to an unclear mind.

I have failed at school, teenage life, and further into my adulthood.  I surround myself with thoughts that I may someday "Become someone," but in the end I find myself blissfully happy at a couple of book sales a week.  I and my family live off of a pipe dream and foodstamps... I have failed...

I have spent decades looking for where I belong.   I have tried Christ, goths, raves, and intellectuals... and find nothing of solace from any of these people.  Instead, I find solace in the bottle that helps me feel human again.  But what is humanity but vulnerability.

I am so tired, and yet I can't bring my mind (or soul, perhaps) to rest.

Here's my favorite part of this song... it starts at 3:41... so poignant...

And then there's those words... "peace... hope... love... Jesus Christ..."

Can we not find a solution that doesn't involve a tall tale legend from days gone past...?

Okay, well, I need some sleep before I sleep here and ... sorry drifted off there,,, good night sweetness!

about yesterday...

My wife and I went out just to get away from the kids for an evening.  For her, it's about the bull shit holiday, and for me it's about making her happy.  I could give a shit about the commercial holiday.

We went to a diner to start.  I had a Reuben, my favorite sandwich.  For some reason, it seems to me the best Reuben can be found a little diners.  My wife decided that in standing with the holiday, she had to order the steak and lobster tail.  I would never order a steak at a diner.  We skipped desert.

She didn't want to go home just yet.  So she asked if I wanted to walk around a walmart for a while or we could go to a bar.  I said I would go to a bar.  She sighed and commented that she wanted to just have me to herself and every time we go to any of the bars in the area I run into people who know me.  Fortunately there's a little bar kinda out of the small town that I can go in anonymity, so I drove there.

She ordered a lager, I had a pale ale from bottle since they didn't have much that was of interest on tap.  She spent half the time talking about other people's taxes, and I didn't listen.  I know nothing about the whole tax thing and could care less.  I spoke of my writing and cooking show, and I think she could have cared less.  After I ordered the second beer, she quickly finished her beer and seemed ready to just go.  I finished mine quicker that I would have liked since I really enjoy the taste of that particular beer, but it wasn't about what I liked.  She paid the tab while I used the restroom and we left.

I asked what she wanted to do and she shrugged.  We went home and found that the kids were still awake.  We tucked them in, told them to sleep, and retired to the living room.  We, or maybe just I, decided to watch a movie.  I had tried to watch "Kick Ass" at one point, but was too tired to finish it, so I suggested that.  She said that seemed fine as she plugged in her lap top.  I figured that she would open it as the movie started and just play her online games.  Instead, I think she actually just wanted the whole movie with me.  Though, as soon as the movie ended, she opened the lap top.

I did my little look at my computer to see what was going on in the world of facebook and shit, and said it was time for bed for me.  She kind of acknowledged me, said she would be right up, and continued harvesting virtual shit or something on her lap top.

I went up to my room, turned on Franz Schubert and undressed for bed.  I closed my eyes and listened to the music as I drifted off to sleep.  Almost an hour later, it was towards the end of the collection of Schubert I had on my computer upstairs and I found I was still alone in the bed.  I sighed and rolled over.  I listed to the softly playing music, unable to close my eyes again.  Some time later, I heard my wife moving down stairs and soon she came to bed.  I heard her place her glasses down on the little shelf/table thing by the bed, and she climbed into bed.

Soon after, I drifted off to sleep again.

I awoke this morning with that "I feel uncomfortable in my skin" feeling and decided to give up on the sleep.  I came down and sat at the computer.  And now, after checking the facebook thing and all my other stats that I obsess over, I'm writing this without really having a reason to.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I have nothing yet to give her.  I wish I could be sleeping now, but that's just not possible.  So I'll turn my attention to getting some work done here on the computer and be ready for a nap just in time for everyone to wake and want breakfast.  In other words, this is going to be just like any other day for me...

sober bedtime? bad fucking idea!

 I'm thinking that going to bed sober was a bad idea...

So, the dream when like this:

It was my old neighborhood, and the neighbor had somebody with a megaphone telling them that they were doing something wrong... unimportant.

I was gathering friends for a party thing at my mother's house.

The basement was unfinished like it was when I was 5. There were a whole bunch of mats on the floor and blankets and pillows all over. The people there I knew only in the dream and had no recognizable features to anyone I ever met.

The topic of conversation was driven by myself about some japanese demons that I had been learning about in this dream. Well, as i was explaining about them, something seemed to happen. The whole mood grew dark and serious and the people around me started to grow nervous.

Suddenly, the one dog there, almost similar to my brother's dog some time back, began to viciously bark at me as though possessed. I wasn't afraid because I just blamed the atmosphere that was spooking the dog.
To prove that I wasn't afraid, I held out my hand to it. It lashed froward and almost got my arm when someone reigned in the dog with a leash.

As the dog was being dragged away, about five more dogs came in and started wildly barking but no one was there to stop them. Something happened and the dogs were finally taken away. My arms were bleeding from where they had bitten at me.

It was then that my cat who has now been dead for about 13 years in reality, showed up. He hissed and growled as I've never heard a cat before, and he jumped at me. I grabbed at my cat and tried to pin him down so that he wouldn't be able to reach my hands with his teeth.

There was no where I could hold him that I could prevent him from biting into my skin. I could actually hear his teeth piercing my skin. It was as though his bones could contort to reach me. Everyone around me was terrified and I could see blood all over my cat and my hands were in agony as blood gushed out. Someone asked if the blood was mine or the cats, and when I looked at my cat, his eyes were glaring with violent hatred.

It was at that moment that I awoke, dripping with sweat. I was freezing cold. I tried to close my eyes but all I could see was that last look of my cat... it was like that image in your eyes when you stare at something too long.

Not only the content of the dream disturbed me, but the obvious vivid memory of it.

So what do you think?


(yup, this is exactly what I remember from a dream I dreamed at nearly 1 AM this morning... )

belonging...s

I was thinking about how when I was a young lad, I wanted to belong to some group or another.  It was like I couldn't see that my small collection of friends were really enough.  I wanted to be part of the popular crowd, and I would often get very distraught that it had never happened.  

Now, I look back and realize that it was absurd to feel like that.  I make my own way and have my own thoughts, and for this I leave an impression on people I meet.  I can not begin to tell you how many people remember me from brief encounters.  

Eh, and on that note... nope, actually, I have no idea what to say today except that I really want a nap.  I think that waking up late, drinking a couple of drinks and then going back to bed after a big breakfast isn't such a good thing... Ah... lazy Sunday!

history and shit...

So my parents had a rough time with me at a point... but I turned out fine in the end.  I learned more from my books and reading the Satanic Bible than I did from my parents in the end.  Of course there is the whole idea that I learned from their mistakes.  But what about what I learned about how to properly deal with the young adolescent shit head that I was?

So there is the old parental idiom: "I hope your kids turn out just like you."

Funny thing is, my daughter seems to be doing just fine.  I'm very proud of who she is and what she does.  I love her and am happy that despite the divorce, she will turn out just fine... or as fine as any child will.  But my current wife's son is a nightmare in a way.  He's not even mine, and he frustrates the fuck out of me!  Unfortunately, he reminds me much of my own person I was way back then.  I would like to imagine that I learned from my mistakes.  I feel I did sometimes... but often I made the same mistake over and over again.  But in my defense, I felt justified about my choices because I did it to attain the ultimate goal of losing my virginity.  I suppose I would feel a little more compassion about his rebellion if I believed that he was doing it for this reason... but it just seems that he's lazy and refuses to own up to the punishment his actions have warranted...

Of course, I didn't tell my dad that I ran away to try to stick my dick in a girl, so I imagine they felt the same way I do now... wonder what would have happened if I had been that honest about it all way back then...?

It Snowed!

I love the snow... But now I want more... it's this strange thing that I felt when I was a child, and I think it followed me into adulthood.  I long for the blizzard like snow storms like back in '93 and '96... those were fun days.

But aside from that, I'm ready for a break from the bullshit around me.  Some days I feel that this will only be achieved when everyone I know is dead and I will be as well.  Kinda shitty thing to say, but I feel that I'll relax when I don't have to think about any one else.

Or maybe I should just make the kids take a nap and do the same... I could use a totally lazy day where I don't even use my brain at all...?  But until then, I need a shower, to edit and to get dishes done, and rooms cleaned and ... well, it just goes on and on...

I really want that white stuff!

So, the weather says there might be snow tomorrow.  Of course, it also says that the snow won't amount to anything.  Damn!  I really want snow!  I love snow!  I love watching it fall to the ground.  I love watching it pile up.  I love sending the 13 year old out to shovel it as I sip hot tea.  

Okay, well, now I really want some hot tea... 

You can't close Pandora's jug...

Read my father's journal from when he and my mother were trying to figure out if they wanted to stay apart or try to get back together.  Sometimes you just have to delve into the dark world of the past to understand more about your self.  Just wish... never mind....

Wow, so the booze store has my favorite wine on sale!  I'm so enjoying this shit!  Fuck is it awesome!  And besides, it's supposed to be healthy to have a glass or two of red wine in the evening... of course I drink it in pint glasses... is that too much?

feeling like testicular jiggle!

Busy day with posting, so why not get moving with another post.  I was thinking today about crazy shit, and I was thinking about days gone past, and I was thinking about all the memories I don't remember often.

Like the one time I sat on a bench by the nature center by the school with some drunk chick I just met laying on me.  I petted her hair and watched her breath so my friend could sneak off, get high and then give the guy with the smoke a blow job.  All of these kids were two years younger that I was, and I wasn't even having sex yet.  I think I was fifteen... crazy shit.

Man, that night started one of the wildest rides in friendship I can remember.  Of course, I learned much from that whole experience.  In the end I figured out that if you don't try, you'll never know... and finding out much later that you fucked it up sucks donkey cock!

social accountability

What a serious title.  It's as though I have something really important to say.  But really, I was just going to say that I love seeing people get drunk.  Drunks are fun.

I loved that when I was a bartender.  And when drunk girls are offered free T-shirts, it gets even better.  That was fun.  I mean, we would get loads of stuff from liquor reps for party nights to toss out as prizes and shit, but we never gave a lot of it away.  Before I was in charge of the stuff, the previous bar manager horded the stuff and used it only for his own benefit.  (In other words, he wouldn't do laundry, he would just get another promo T)  So when I took over and saw the massive amount of shit we had, I gave every employee a shirt, and still had about four big boxes of shit.  So on college nights, I would grab about a dozen shirts and wait for the first hour to pass and then offer free T's for tits!  That was awesome!  Drunk college girls will get them out for free T's like nothing.

Of course, I often wonder if I would just randomly go out to bars and try to do it now... would I get to see titties?

There is a rule that I figured out at one point in time:  If you never ask, you will never know.  What is the worst thing that will happen if you ask?  Usually, the worst is they say "no."

Bitter cold day...

Today is bitingly cold!  I know at some point I have to go for groceries, but I know full well that I do not want to.  Hell, I'm cold right here in my home with the heat on and my robe around me... It's time for some hot tea!

Of course, if you walk into my kitchen right now it's much colder.  I need to cook something to warm it up since I have this tenancy not to turn on the heat in that room.  It just seems kind of pointless considering that the room is in the far corner and is only really used to prepare food.  So, when I cook, I wash dishes and clean as it warms up, but otherwise, I don't make excuses to go in there.

But I do need to make tea... so I debate... do I go in, clean while the tea is brewing and steeping, or just wait for the whistling to signal that the tea is ready?  I think I should clean... the post holiday cookie thing has left the kitchen a disaster!

If only I could bottle up and store the heat from the middle of summer when I wanted nothing more than to avoid cooking in the kitchen because it would get so hot that I wouldn't be able to eat anything from heat exhaustion.  I would bottle it and now I would use a little at a time to keep the house warmer.

Oh well, until I'm a wizard I guess I just have to deal... wish I had someone to snuggle with to keep warm right now... but then I would never get any work done!